Friday, January 07, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Rocket Scientist

TSA Bumper Stickers:
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Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.”
(True Story)
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Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter'
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In a nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But - it's a wheelchair! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled! I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!'

'It's the pure and holy truth, sweetie,' whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God . . . Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo . . . I'm bald! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and lay around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap
. . . A job!' Mom? Dad? Nooooooooooooooo.

Now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my
Brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.

Pacemaker?? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy
With a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald,
Orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to see Obama?'

Say it isn't so! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat.
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First Annual Miss TSA Calendar

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A golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
* Cold Beer: $2.00
* Hamburger: $2.25
* Cheeseburger: $2.50
* Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
* Hand Job: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Go wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."
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Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas
almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
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Subject: A little football humor

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with BLACK & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous STEELERS logo flag, and in every window, a TERRIBLE towel. Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super Bowls." God said "So what's your point, Tom?" "Well, why does Roethlisberger get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not Roethlisberger's house, it's Mine."
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And finally your skill testing game/quiz of the week:

Your Idol! This is fun.

I promise you WILL laugh when you
find your role model.
NO CHEATING.
I was really surprised to find out
who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL AND IDOL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is!
No peeking!!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.....
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down .................






With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Snoopy
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Ronald Reagan
8. Babe Ruth
9. Hunter
10. John F. Kennedy

I know, I know....I just have that effect on people. One day, you too can be like me.

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

2 comments:

Laurie Johnson said...

Thanks for the laughs.

West Coast Teddi said...

Hahahaha... Hunter is my idol!!!

Thanks for FNF