Friday Night Funnies: Welfare Check

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley 'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
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You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing
the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas'
instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces
veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to
a friend.

( just want everyone to know that a "redneck" is a farmer, providing all of us with food on our table, without them, we are eating dirt pies. So slam "redneck's" all you want but remember who feeds you!)
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Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights..

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana StateUniversity from the Middle East..
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.'
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Greyhounds might be the fastest dogs on the planet, but they are also the champion couch potatoes!
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the
books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete prick."
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Dentist with a good sense of humour..

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
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Two Large Plastic Trash Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic trash bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his tallywacker through the fence, I say, '$20 or
off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
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Have great weekend!