Friday Night Funnies: Who Needs A Babysitter?

Perfect animal babysitters for our young humans!
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An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who
remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,
you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor..

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit...

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
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(Okay that's not funny, but it is a valid statement!)
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As soon as he figures out how to walk through that gate holding an umbrella, he'll take care of the economy, health care, Wall Street, Iraq , Afghanistan , unemployment and a few things more.

(Look at her face! HA!)
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Pet lovers know the feeling! This one is my favorite:

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And a few for my American readers:

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain
who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the
first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,

"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and
Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better
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SPEAKING GERMAN (IN TEXAS )

Here in Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his right hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down he window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: (“Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it.”)

The man shouted back: “I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English.”
The rancher replied: “Use both hands. You'll get more.”
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Okay, for all you cat lovers....

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And finally for all you women out there looking for something to do this winter:

Winter Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Oct 5, 2010
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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It appears we are going to have a great weekend, and Mike Holmes is in town to help me with my kitchen renovations, what more could a girl ask for! Hey all you trolls, come look for me...I'll be the one with a black lab dog, or not! I might take both black lab dogs or none! HA! I will give you a hint....I'm a female!