Friday Night Funnies: What I Owe My Mother!

Cough Syrup..........

The pharmacist walks into his store

to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the Newfie clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds:

"Well, he came in here this morning

to get something for his cough. 

I couldn't find the cough syrup,

so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:

"You idiot, you can't treat a cough

with a laxative!"

The Newfie clerk responds..................

“Of course you can! "

 "Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

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The Older Crowd

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'....'

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An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'

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Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

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The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved..

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When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of algebra.

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You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.

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One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's much worse when
you forget to pull it down....

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Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft....
today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts 

around Wal-Mart

when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
� to where I was going.

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence..
I'm looking for my wife, too..'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'

The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs,
and is wearing short shorts..
What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says,

'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

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 What kids think about childbirth...
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped  deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 
'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his butt again!'
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WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER: 


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I 
just finished cleaning.' 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, 
you're not going to the store with me.' 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry 
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your 
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you 
out.' 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in 
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..' 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going 
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN 
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow 
up.' 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: 
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out 
just like you '
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. 

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?' 
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' 

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is:

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HOW  TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of size 14--16 men's work boots. 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of  Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes  next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your  door that  reads:


Bubba:
Bertha,  Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in about an  hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the  mailman this morning and messed him up  bad.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to  tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked  all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be  right back.
"Cooter"
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Fighting off a cold, have a great weekend. I'm off to bed with my hot lemon and honey drink and Cold FX!