Friday Night Funnies: Sexual Harassment

Late night, my oldest boy had "Big Band Night" and he got to wear a tux....makes a mother just about cry to see them so mature looking. He wears the tux again tomorrow for the 100th Anniversary Celebration of the Navy.
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SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Moral: Make sure your stories match!!
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A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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CLOTHING DONATION:

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of
my clothes to the
starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my ass!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every
time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor..

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there
now!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
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Canadian humour!!

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis died
and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. Canadians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless Canadian generosity!
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Night All, have a great weekend.