Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating myporridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F****NG PORRIDGE YET'
--------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
God's sense of Humor
While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.
---------------------------------------------------
Giraffe Test
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
--------------------------------------------------------
Patriot and Punk
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
"Had him circumcised."
------------------------------------------------
Married Men
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
------------------------------------------------
I used to avoid listening to Obama's speeches. Now, I look forward to the next one.
Here is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable.
Just print this page, distribute it to friends,
then tune in to his next speech........
Rules for Bullshit Bingo:
1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech,
print your "Bullshit Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear
one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically,
or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
----------------------------------------------------
VIRUS WARNING
A VIRUS is going round called
HOUSEWORK!!!!
If you feel the need to start housework.
Stop immediately.
This virus wipes out your social life.
If you should come in contact
with housework go straight
to the nearest store &
buy the only known antidote
which is called CHOCOLATE.
Please forward this warning immediately
to at least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends
you are already infected.
------------------------------------------------
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Fortitude Valley Cab Rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Michigan Parade Float Winner!!
A 5 year old's first job…
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock!!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now exactly what would you have said ?'
--------------------------------------------------
We are having a heat wave, so get outside and enjoy it while it lasts! The northern lights are dancing tonight.....love them!
5 comments:
So its the Northern Lights that are causing our earthquakes?? ;)
Thanks for FNF
Thanks for the chuckles hunter
You outdid yourself this week Hunter!
For the city slickers in the crowd, the contraption the Zeros are riding on is called a manure spreader!
Just for fun, I played "bullshit bingo" with one of GWB's old speeches.
I must have looked like an idiot standing and yelling BULLSHIT several times!
Hey LS,
Yawn.....
Post a Comment