A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast, A man walked up to his wife,
Pinched her on the butt and said....
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of Your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent.
The next morning, The man woke his wife with A pinch on each of her breasts
And said....'You know, if you firmed these up, We could get rid of your bra.'
This was Beyond A silent response...
So she rolled over And Grabbed him By his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, She said...
'You know, If you Firmed this up,
We could Get rid of
The gardener,
The postman,
The pool man
And
Your brother !'
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We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking around and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid . . . "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
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Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is
the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'.""Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
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THE PORCH
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus."
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Snotty Receptionist
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned . . .'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No, 'I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.
'I wrote down: ID10T !
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
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Too tired for more.....have a great long weekend!!
1 comment:
Ya...FNF is back. Thanks a bunch and hope you have had a great summer.
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