Friday Night Funnies: Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

Dear Abby ,    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to  pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our  bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with  people who say the Pope is  the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can  be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just  so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC

Dear  Lost:    Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck with the liar for two more years!
Abby  
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COLOR IS GOOD

Yesterday I went to the doctor
For my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high.
My cholesterol was high.
I'd gained some weight,
and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right
doesn't have to be complicated and
it would solve my physical problems.
He said:
Just think in colors.
Fill your plate with bright colors.
Try some greens, oranges, reds,
maybe something yellow, etc.
and eat an entire bowl of
bright colors.
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/

And Sure Enough,
I Felt Better Immediately!!
I never knew eating right could be so easy!!
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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks
 that worry about using cold water to clean.
  
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
 
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

  However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
  
'Are these plates clean?'
  
His grandfather replied,
  
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
  
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
 
Again, John was concerned about the plates,  as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
  
Without looking up the old man said,
  
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.

Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
  
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving

his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
    
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
  
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
   
Meet Coldwater !

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 The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.''
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THIS WEEK'S BRAIN EXERCISE

      man

1. ------------

        board

      stand

2. ------------

         i

3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/

4.  r

 road

    a

    d

5. cycle

   cycle

   cycle

       0

6. ------------

  M.D.

  Ph.D.

  

7. knee

 light

         ground

8.     ---------------

feet feet feet feet feet feet

9. he's X himself

10. ecnalg

11. death ..... life

 12. THINK

13. abababababababababababababababababababab...

Answers later. Okay, peek if you have to!
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  This is a terrific and incredibly easy test. And it shows results in a
number of ways.. It clearly indicates that the majority of
    Americans don't have a clue about what's going on in the
world. No wonder our politicians take such advantage of us.
It's astonishing that so many people got less than half right.
    These results say that 80% of the (voting) public doesn't have
a clue, and that's pretty scary.
    There are no tricks here - just a simple test to see if you are current on your
    Information. This is quite good and the results are shocking.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said that ". . . the
 biggest argument against democracy is a 5-minute conversation
  with the average voter .. .  ."

    Test your knowledge with 11 questions, then be ready to shudder
when you see how others did!

I got 9 out of 11 and I'm Canadian, see how you do!

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Answers:

1. = man overboard

2. = I understand

3. = reading between the lines

4. = cross road

5. = tricycle

6. = two degrees below zero

7. = neon light

8. = six feet underground

9. = he's by himself

10. = backward glance

11. = life after death

12. = think big ! !

13. = long time no 'C'

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Blogger was down last night, so these are the Saturday morning funnies!

Have a great Thanksgiving. I thank God everyday that we have the best Prime Minister in the history of Canada to lead us through these rough years.