Friday Night Funnies: Albertans

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate
aging baby boomers who can remember
doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday .
They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash...

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker...

Ringo Starr --
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends...

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?...

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face...

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now...

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver......

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom...

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts...

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair......

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping...

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone...

Abba---
Denture Queen ...

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall...

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore...

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To...

And Last,
but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again...
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America's Got Talent 1944 style....the singing is okay, but what they do after that is amazing!


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Proud to be an Albertan

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Montreal scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Quebecer's, in the weeks that followed, a Toronto
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Globe and Mail read:

"Ontario archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper
wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Quebecer's".

One week later, the Calgary Herald in Calgary, Alberta, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Airdrie, Alberta,
John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely square root of "expletive" all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Alberta had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be an Albertan!
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EAR HAIR

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned
both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell
the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to
the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Create a new folder in your PC .

2. Name it 'Housework.'

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly ....

7. Feel better?

Works for me!
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in Church Bulletins or were announced in Church Services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A Bean Supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church Hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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Have a great weekend, even if it is snowing!