A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
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Okay guys, I know you don't like the idea of a prostate exam, but do you think us females like the pap test? It does save lives, just ask Layton, if caught early. There is something funny about it though!
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A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.
'Twenty dollars,' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,
it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged'
for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a
police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!'
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BMW's campaign for their factory approved "pre-owned" cars.
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Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older,
it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.
Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'
why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so
and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany ...
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany , Or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.
If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven …
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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Speed Bump!
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You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .
.. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"
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GARLIC WARNING
For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us,
only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they tell us that
some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us.
There doesn't seem to be much proof either way
to suggest what is good or bad, until now.
Looks like "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT" is true !!!
See the proof below .................
So, watch your Garlic intake ...
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts!”
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You can't beat the last one, I wonder if that's one of my trolls? That's it for this week. Have a great weekend.
3 comments:
I related to at least 4 out of 5 jokes about me. A "failed" test of humanity ... or something!
Thanks for the funnies ... FNF
Great. I'm only 70 and I can relate to the 90 year old in WalMart. I do the same thing just going to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
By the way...why am I typing this? Who is it going to? Is it time for my meds?
I will always remember my first prostate exam at 45. My doctor is a couple of years younger than I am and he has quite the dry sense of humour, I discovered. First, he tested me for the first of the two 'man' cancer (normally, I'd deck anybody who tried that) and then he slipped on the latex glove. Needless to say, I was surprised by the exam. Afterward, he looked at me and asked:
'Well, was I your first'
After I answered in a strained voice 'yes', he asked me, w ith a hint of a smile on his face 'so...how was I'.
That cracked me up. I still hate the annual 'man exam' but it's a little easier to bear if I think of that first time. I related that first experience to my then-current significant other and, oddly enough, she had absolutely no sympathy for me. Women can be so unfeeling. LOL.
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