Friday Night Funnies: Urban Cowboy

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A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.



After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied'
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!'
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the-orangutan-and-the-hound

TEN PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS

'1'
Blaming your farts on me.
Not funny -- not funny at all !!!
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'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A DAMN DOG.
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'3'
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this, anyway?
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'4'
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.
Stop it!
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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
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'6'
The sleight-of-hand, fake fetch-throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
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'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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'9'
Dog sweaters.
Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
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'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
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Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop, do you?
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Fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar says



W T F!


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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
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Obama Supporter:


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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
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Just in Case You Get a Cheque....
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario and BC governments. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
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Q. What is Ontario 's or BC’s Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers..
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia ?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China
2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia .
3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala ..
5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea
6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.

Or, you can keep the money in Canada by:
1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2. going to baseball or football games, or
3. hiring prostitutes, or
4. buying cheap beer or
5. getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-owned businesses still operating in Canada .

Conclusion:
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
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A Letter to Jessie James:
You stupid bast^%d! You cheated on Sandra Bullock???
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth over-shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."
You also remember she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger
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Have a great weekend, it's going to be 20C here, so I am breaking out the shorts, or NOT!