Friday Night Funnies: Making A Baby

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor ?
No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park
to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
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Church Organist

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons,
though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
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OH HELL !! ... Let's Offend Everybody !!!!!!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans On Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

OH, be quiet ... Just pass it on!..... It's a JOKE!!!!!
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Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. . Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here", "These coyotes ain't f**kin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter in that room.
The meeting never really got back on track.
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The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.

It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!!!
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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew
that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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A family living in Colorado Springs were wondering why their water barrel was almost empty every day.
They set up a camera and caught a bear bathing.

Big Al came for his weekly bath again this week. He looks like he really enjoys the experiences. He needs a bigger tub, will think about that for next year.


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Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be her most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible self.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......
Never mind.
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A Nativity Scene was erected in a church yard.

During the night the folks came across this scene.

An abandoned dog was looking for a comfortable, protected place to sleep. He chose baby Jesus as his comfort. No one had the heart to send him away so he was there all night.

We should all have the good sense of this dog and curl up in Jesus' lap from time to time.




This is too sweet not to share.
Note that the dog breed is a "shepherd!"
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Okay, going to have some homemade BC wine, and off to bed....it's going to be an awesome weekend weather wise, might even get one final round of golf in this weekend!!