Friday Night Funnies:

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A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!! "

...I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .
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I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 40 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me to forget it,,,, AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN !!!!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

.........Work starts on Monday...
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THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
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I'M SO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS!

The correct way to weigh yourself:
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.

Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3..Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana.'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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Bedtime, the kitchen needs work tomorrow. Have a great weekend. No frozen tomatoes I hope.