Friday Night Funnies: Three Beers The Irish Way!

TRAFFIC CAMERA

My friend's husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.
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Speaking of stupid, I hear Obama was really really ticked off over this picture:

But who can blame him, it is his first real job after all:

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 THREE BEERS - THE IRISH WAY

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
Beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all.

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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Now that's a beer worth fighting for! Pretty wonky. 

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift  The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine.  I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.  But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

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 INSPIRATION..... 

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 MY MOST EMBARRASSING 'SENIOR MOMENT'

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.  Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  Her theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.  I immediately call the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.  “Honey,” I stammered.  (I always call her “honey” in times like these.)  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice, “Ken,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will ... as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car!”

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 When your puppy is sick, best to just leave it alone:

Yes, I know it's fake, but it is funny, in a sick puppy kind of way! HA!
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 Where can a golf lover from Canada, who wants to stay warm in the winter, go and fit in? I found it!!!

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 A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to

Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she

came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart.

Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be

handling all our financial, educational

and medical dilemmas?
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Thanks to all my friday night contributors, friday night would be an empty place without you! 

It was 11C today, my first geranium seed popped up (inside planting), and you can actually smell spring coming! I bbq'd twice this week and have a ham that is crying out to be placed on the grill. Making baked beans to go with it. I'd invite you all over, but with two teenagers and 5 of their friends constantly visiting, our food budget is astronomical!