Canada eh!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from down town.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.
Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian cars won't start.
· Canadians drive with the windows down.
32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes.
· Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cook-out of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
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With time, women gain weight because we
accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't
heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror I will think,
“Good grief, look how smart I am!”
Must be where “Smart
Ass” came from!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was dining alone in a
fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. ..... .....
Wait for it ... ............
It's coming ....... .....
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. ..... .....
Wait for it ... ............
It's coming ....... .....
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)
--------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Beverly is 90 years
old. She's played golf every day since her
retirement 25 years
ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.
"That's it,"she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."
Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't
you take me with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Beverly , "you're a hundred and three. You can't help."
"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course
with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty
swing and squints down the fairway.
She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Beverly .
"I don't remember."
"That's it,"she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."
Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't
you take me with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Beverly , "you're a hundred and three. You can't help."
"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course
with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty
swing and squints down the fairway.
She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Beverly .
"I don't remember."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young Vancouver woman was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. However, just
before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped
her.
"You have so much to live for..." said the
man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take care of you,bring you food every day, and keep you
happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and makes sweet passionate love to
her until dawn...
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and makes sweet passionate love to
her until dawn...
Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?", asked the
captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see", the captain says.
"I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see", the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added,
"Plus, he's screwing me..."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Ferry to Nanaimo".
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Have a great weekend. Hey you Albertans, go out door knocking, get the vote out. With spring comes renewal.
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