What we can expect in the next 10 years:
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF
LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS LINDA , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED GLENVIEW PARK HIGH SCHOOL . 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A PANTHER,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1976. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B#$CH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??? |
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher
asked the
children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman,
salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked
him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar
and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if
the offer is really
good, he'll go out to the alley with some
guy and make love with him
for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some colouring,
and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about
your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the
Vancouver Canucks but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the
other kids.'
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The
Year 2011 is over and Homeland Security has provided their end-of-the-year
statistics on airport screenings here in the U.S. It is truly amazing
what those full-body scanners have shown:
* Terrorist Plots Discovered - 0
* Transvestites - 743
* Enlarged Prostates - 19,249
* Breast Implants - 209,350
* Colon problems - 27,298
* Natural Blondes - 3
* Terrorist Plots Discovered - 0
* Transvestites - 743
* Enlarged Prostates - 19,249
* Breast Implants - 209,350
* Colon problems - 27,298
* Natural Blondes - 3
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$50 worth of
illumination...
Recently,
while I was working on the flower beds in the front garden, my neighbours
stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents, members of the New Democratic Party, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow, what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Conservatives!"
Her parents aren't speaking to me.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents, members of the New Democratic Party, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow, what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Conservatives!"
Her parents aren't speaking to me.
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For all you guys who think girls don't fart:
Okay, okay, farting is funny. I love the dogs reaction!
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I've got sauerkraut perogies to make for our families 100 year celebration of immigrating to Canada, and this rainy/snowy weekend looks like a great time to do it. You all have a great weekend. Don't just sit on your butts, get out and do something. I envy the people in BC who are probably golfing this weekend.
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