Saturday, April 14, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: Candy For The Ladies


The Why's  of  Men

1.  WHY DO MEN  BECOME SMARTER DURING  SEX?
(because  they are  plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY  DON'T WOMEN  BLINK DURING SEX?
(they  don't have  enough time)
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3. WHY  DOES IT  TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE   EGG?
(they  don't stop  to ask directions)
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4. WHY  DO MEN  SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR   BACKS?
(because  their  balls fall over their butt-hole and they  vapor  lock)
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(You're  laughing,  aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY  WERE MEN  GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN  DOGS?
(so  they won't  hump women's legs at cocktails   parties)
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6. WHY  DID GOD  MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you  need a rough  draft before you make a final   copy)
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7. HOW  MANY MEN  DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT   DOWN?
(don't  know.....it  never happened)
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(C'mon  guys, we  laugh at your blonde  jokes!)
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And  the personal  favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN  ON  EARTH?
(because  a  vibrator can't mow the lawn)
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Remember,  if you  haven't got a smile on your face  and   laughter  in your  heart.
Then you are just an old sour   fart
!
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One for  the  ladies........
One  day my  housework-challenged husband decided to  wash his  sweatshirt. 
Seconds after  he stepped into  the laundry room, he shouted to  me,
'What setting do  I use on the washing  machine?'
'It depends,' I  replied. 'What does  it say on your shirt?'
He yelled  back, '  University of Oklahoma .....'

And they  say  blondes are   dumb.
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A  couple is lying  in bed.
The man says,
'I  am going to make you the  happiest woman in the  world.'
The woman  replies,
'I'll miss  you.'
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'It's  just too hot  to wear clothes today,' Jack says  as he stepped out of  the shower.
'honey, what do  you think the neighbors  would think if I mowed  the lawn like this?'
'Probably  that I married  you for your money,' she  replied.
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Q:  What do you  call an intelligent, good looking,  sensitive man?
A:  A rumour
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Dear  Lord,
I  pray for Wisdom to understand my man;  Love to forgive  him;

 
And  Patience for  his moods.   Because,  Lord, if I pray for  Strength, I'll beat him to   death.
AMEN
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Q:   Why do little boys whine?
A: They are  practicing to  be   men.
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Q:  What does it  mean when a man is in your bed  gasping for breath and  calling your name?
A:  You did not hold the pillow  down long  enough
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Q:  How do you  keep your husband from reading your  e-mail?
A: Rename  the mail folder  'Instruction  Manual.'
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 Can't imagine ANYONE wanting him now, after all the shit he has spread.  

Thought you might like to see this ad taken from Craig's List recently:


Fifty year old manure spreader - $1 (Washington, D.C.) Date: 2012-02-14, 10:21AM EST


Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been
produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled
into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever
been worked very hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.
It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really spread the manure and sling
it for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire this manure spreader next
November. But I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I
would prefer a foreign buyer who is willing to relocate this manure spreader
out of the country. I would be willing to trade this manure spreader for a
nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Washington, DC
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Eye Candy For The Ladies:


Here Are Some Neck Exercises for Women

Are you one of these women who spends hours in front of their computer? Do you end up with a neck ache and tension in your back?

Well, here are some very helpful exercises for you:



Your neck feels better now, doesn't it? You're very welcome!
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                                     A man was sick and tired
                                   of going to work every day
                                  while his wife stayed home.
                            He wanted her to see
                            what he went  through so he prayed:
                            'Dear Lord:
                            I go to work every day and put
                            in 8 hours while my wife
                            merely stays at home.
                            I want her to know what
                            I go through.
                            So, please allow her body to
                            switch with mine for a day.
                            '
                            God, in his infinite wisdom,
                            granted the man's wish.
                            The next morning, sure enough,
                            the man awoke as a woman...
                            He arose, cooked breakfast
                            for his mate,
                            Awakened the kids,
                            Set out their school clothes,
                            Fed them breakfast,
                            Packed their lunches,
                            Drove them to school,
                            Came home and picked
                            up the dry cleaning,
                            Took it to the cleaners
                            And stopped at the bank
                            to make a deposit,

                            Went grocery shopping,
                            Then drove home to put
                            away the groceries,

                            Paid the bills and balanced
                            the check book.
                            He cleaned the cat's litter box
                            and bathed the dog.
                            Then, it was already 1 P.M.
                            And he hurried to make the beds,
                            Do the laundry, vacuum,
                            Dust, And sweep and mop
                            the kitchen floor.
                            Ran to the school to pick up
                            the kids and got into an argument
                            with them on the way home.
                            Set out milk and cookies and
                            got the kids organized to do
                            their homework.
                            Then, set up the ironing board
                            and watched TV while he
                            did the ironing.
                            At 4:30 he began peeling
                            potatoes and washing
                            vegetables for salad,
                            breaded the pork chops
                            and snapped
                            fresh beans for supper.

                            After supper,
                            He cleaned the kitchen,
                            Ran the dishwasher,
                            Folded laundry,
                            Bathed the kids, And put
                            them to bed.
                            At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
                            and, though his daily chores
                            weren't finished, he went to
                            bed where he was expected to
                            make love, which he managed
                            to get through without complaint.

                            The next morning, he awoke
                            and immediately knelt by the
                            bed and said: -
                            Lord, I don't know what
                            I was thinking.
                            I was so wrong to envy my
                            wife's being able to stay
                            home all day.
                            Please, Oh! Please,
                            let us trade back. Amen!'
                            The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

                            "My son, I feel you have
                            learned your lesson and
                            I will be happy to change
                            things back to the way
                            they were.
                            But you'll have to wait
                            nine months, though.
                            You got pregnant last night"

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 For the guys.....The winner of the wet t-shirt contest is......







 Okay, I lied. This really has ended up being a man bashing kind of post, but, hey it's sort of fun!!! How about this for eye candy?

HA! Sorry I just couldn't resist! Okay, Okay, I'll behave. Really I will.
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Alright, to end this post, I really will give you guys some eye candy because I hate to see grown men crying in their beer. 

 Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......




This is a test to determine
if you are an alcoholic..





  
If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic.
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Have a great weekend. Three out of four rain barrels are now full. The rain was badly needed and you can already see the grass getting green. More of the same for tomorrow. If this is what Vancouver is like in the winter, they can keep it!

Thanks to my wonderful contributors for all the jokes, it makes my job really fun and easy. 

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