Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
Passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
What to do with those leftover Halloween pumpkins:
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GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Can I get an AMEN!!
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Gun Control
Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas,
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together,
child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,
pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
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4-Sale 2 FOOTBALL SEASON TICKETS
FOR SALE: section 118, row 6 seat 4&5
I have 2 season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife does not want to attend any
more of the Steeler games as she doesn't like the person who sits in the seat next
to us.
I've attached a picture of the view from the seats to confirm location below.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $4500 each
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Speaking of football, 92 and 93 should not sit together....
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ......
Now give me back my dog.
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THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'
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Perfect Diet:
Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss
Afternoon Tea
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars
Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on; I didn't want to risk it.
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Finally, to show you what you are not doing with your phones.....Enjoy:
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Enjoy your weekend! For once, I have nothing to get done, no Halloween, no wood working, just reading some mindless romance novels. Life is good!
1 comment:
Aloha ... from Sidney!!!! Thanks for the FNF ... it now feels like I'm back home.
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