Friday Night Funnies:

THE  SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the  senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good  fortune to run into the ones I do, and the  eyesight to tell the difference.
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Two women were having lunch together, and discussing
the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing.
I'm thinking of having my a$$ hole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman.
“I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!”

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The  Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" 
 
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a)  Sparrow 
b)  Thrush, 
c)  Magpie, 
d)  Cuckoo?"
   
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ." 
   
  Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and  repeated the question to him.
"Oh hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple -  it's a cuckoo." 
"Are you sure?"
"I’m sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!" 
The  next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a  drink.
"Tell me, Paddy?  How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" 

"You know why Mick! Because he lives in a clock!"
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Let's face it


After Monday and Tuesday...
even the calendar says -   W T F

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A Nativity Scene was erected in a church yard.

        During the night the folks came across this scene.

        An abandoned dog was looking for a comfortable, protected place to
sleep. He chose baby Jesus as his comfort. No one had the heart to send him

away so he was there all night.

No one mentioned that the dog breed is a "shepherd!"
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A man in Calgary calls his son in Regina the day before Christmas Eve and
says,  

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.  

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Stoughton and tell her".  

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell
they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".  

She calls Calgary immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."  
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For hours of mindless fun and prizes, go here! Have a great weekend, we are finally out of the deep freeze and my kitchen counters have been installed, next is the backsplash!