Friday Night Funnies: Budget Cuts

DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?



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ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)

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ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??


YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?


THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.



TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20... NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?


SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....




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ANSWER: DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100..



IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...



FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND 5. ???
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?






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ANSWER: DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T..
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!


OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:


A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY

EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?





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ANSWER: IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...


DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
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Subject: Fwd: Budget Cuts

The President ordered the cabinet to cut a whopping $100 million from the $3.5 trillion federal budget!

I'm so impressed by this sacrifice that I have decided to do the same thing with my personal budget.

I spend about $ 2000 a month on groceries, household expenses, medicine, utilities, etc, but it's time to get out the budget cutting ax, go line by line through my expenses, and cut back!

I'm going to cut my spending at exactly the same ratio -1/35,000 of my total budget. After doing the math, it looks like instead of spending $2000 a month; I'm going to have to cut that number by 5.7 cents!

Yes, I'm going to have to get by with $1999.94, but that's what sacrifice is all about. I'll just have to do without some things.
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Speaking of Presidents:


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King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.


BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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Speaking of smart women:



Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and
came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after,
a story was published in the New York Times: "American
archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have
concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *ck
all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had
already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British.
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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them
to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart.
So they agreed to drive thirty miles each,
and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at
5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass
in the morning, they're pregnant.
If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.
So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family
Station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week
and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn".
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Speaking of cars......

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Have a great weekend! I have been busy working and catching up on some reading. I have finished "We the Living", and "Fountainhead" this week, I am now re-re-reading "Atlas Shrugged". I find that I can't just scan the words like I do with other books, I have to really READ the words to get the full meaning, that makes it slow going, but very rewarding. I will be ready for the movie in April.