Friday Night Funnies: What I Owe My Mother!

Cough Syrup..........

The pharmacist walks into his store

to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the Newfie clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds:

"Well, he came in here this morning

to get something for his cough. 

I couldn't find the cough syrup,

so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:

"You idiot, you can't treat a cough

with a laxative!"

The Newfie clerk responds..................

“Of course you can! "

 "Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

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The Older Crowd

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'....'

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An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'

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Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

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The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

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Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved..

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When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of algebra.

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You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.

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One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

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First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's much worse when
you forget to pull it down....

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Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft....
today, it's called golf.

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Two old guys are pushing their carts 

around Wal-Mart

when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
� to where I was going.

The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence..
I'm looking for my wife, too..'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'

The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs,
and is wearing short shorts..
What does your wife look like?'

To which the first old guy says,

'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

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 What kids think about childbirth...
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped  deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 
'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his butt again!'
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WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER: 


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I 
just finished cleaning.' 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL 
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, 
you're not going to the store with me.' 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry 
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your 
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you 
out.' 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in 
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..' 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going 
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN 
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow 
up.' 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: 
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out 
just like you '
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten. 

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?' 
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' 

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. 

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. 

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is:

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HOW  TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of size 14--16 men's work boots. 

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of  Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes  next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your  door that  reads:


Bubba:
Bertha,  Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in about an  hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the  mailman this morning and messed him up  bad.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to  tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked  all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be  right back.
"Cooter"
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Fighting off a cold, have a great weekend. I'm off to bed with my hot lemon and honey drink and Cold FX!

Say It Isn't So!

Could our PC government in Alberta be corrupt? Surely not, they have only been in power for 4 decades. Alberta Ardvark has been mentioning this stuff, but who is he, just a blogger. Just a blogger who got a national paper, the National Post to write about it....how's that for blogger power? WTG Ard!

A scandal over improper political donations in Alberta has been brewing for months, and new details dug up by the opposition Wildrose Party are further evidence of a systemic problem. It is alleged that the governing Progressive Conservative party has been accepting donations, largely through fund-raising events, from government entities. And while most of the donations are relatively small, too many have come to light to be ignored.

What is Red Ali doing about the improper political donations? Nothing. I guess she figures if you just ignore it, it will go away. It won't. Wildrose won't let it go away if they are smart. 

Alison's Magical Mystery Tour!

Red Ali is on a tour, using taxpayers money to embrace Albertans. She took her cabinet Ministers on a political, Alison in Wonderland party, at our expense. This is a pre-election tour to get her face in the news.It is Alison's Magical Mystery Tour, because we are wondering why she is on it, when the Gateway pipeline is being discussed right now in Edmonton! Can you say "out of touch"?

With all this touring, one can hardly find time to govern.
Alberta Premier Alison Redford’s cabinet began a province-wide tour Monday, hoping to “talk with Albertans about their priorities for the future.” It’s an all-too-familiar refrain as of late. They may indeed find Albertans’ priorities include, for starters, a preference for fewer tours.

....

Tours can add up. For instance, in 2010, when Ms. Redford was justice minister, her office spent $61,103.27 on “meals, accommodation and travel,” but detailed breakdowns aren’t made public.
Between April and November 2011, Alberta’s 21 ministries claimed a total of $487,354.83 in ministers’ “meals, accommodation and travel.” It’s an average of approximately $23,207 over the first eight months of the fiscal year. And that’s above what each MLA can claim for travel.

How well is that money being spent? How many days did they sit? Consider this:

Depending on the math, the opposition parties pointed out the shortened session means the legislature would be open for business a total of just 44 or 45 days this year.
“The PCs are playing hooky,” Rachel Notley, one of two New Democratic MLAs, said in a statement. “Having a full fall sitting is important to getting work done for Albertans.”

How would you like to work for only 45 days a year and get full pay? Right, they are in their ridings....doing what? Have you ever met your MLA? I have, and he's a mouse, now known as our Health Minister. She likes weak "yes" men around her, it makes her look better.

We have two females running to be Premier. As a female, I should be torn about who to vote for, but I am not. I really find nothing to like about Red Ali. She is a typical lefty feminist, and honestly, she makes my nose turn up because I smell something not quite right about her, call it my sixth sense.

Tonight, I got invited to participate in a conference call from Danielle Smith, it was about education. I listened to all the people asking questions, and I liked all of her answers. She is one smart lady. The conference call cost way less than Alison's Magical Mystery Tour, and it was funded by the Wildrose Party, not the taxpayers.

Most importantly, Danielle leads a party that is actually Conservative, not like our PC/red tory/liberal party. She is young, dynamic and personable. Heck, even Rick Mercer went out on a date with her!

Only thing I think is missing from this video is that she should have taken him to the shooting gallery where he could have shot a real gun. He would have liked that, as he is a great supporter of our military, and horrifying as it might be to lefties, our military actually have weapons and know how to use them!

Ask yourself, who is the phony, Alison or Danielle? I suspect that Albertans are smart enough to smell a rat, and Alberta is rat free! Go Danielle and Wildrose!

Game and Set?

It appears that the "charitable" groups are getting some heat about their political activism, and they are starting to get concerned about their funding dollars, and loss of said "charitable" status.

A prominent environmentalist has been fired from an organization that has staunchly protested the Northern Gateway pipeline after he accused the Prime Minister’s Office of resorting to intimidation tactics against the project’s critics.
The dismissal of Andrew Frank, spokesman for anti-oil-sands group ForestEthics, comes amid an increasingly tense atmosphere among environmental groups – especially those registered as charities, whose public advocacy is supposed to be limited – that have come under fire by the federal government for harbouring “radicals” intent on “hijacking” the review process for Gateway.

Keep those letters to Revenue Canada coming people. It's time we started fighting back against all those supposedly "charitable" environmental groups that are trying to hijack our economy and sovereignty.

I Guess..... It's "Game On"!

The Laborers’ International Union of North America (LIUNA) left the BlueGreen Alliance on Friday, citing a disagreement with the group’s members over the Keystone XL pipeline. LIUNA, a vocal Keystone supporter, took aim at other unions for opposing the project.   “We’re repulsed by some of our supposed brothers and sisters lining up with job killers like the Sierra Club and the Natural Resources Defense Council to destroy the lives of working men and women,” LIUNA General President Terry O’Sullivan said in a statement. ....... Many unions — including the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, the Teamsters, the United Association of Plumbers and Pipe Fitters for the United States and Canada and others — support the pipeline. But some labor groups, including the Amalgamated Transit Union and the Transport Workers Union, oppose it. LIUNA’s decision to leave the BlueGreen Alliance comes just two days after President Obama rejected Keystone, blaming the decision on a 60-day deadline imposed by Republicans. The GOP has vowed to work to reverse the decision legislatively. It seems that the labour unions are waking up to how uncompromising environmental groups really are. The environmentalists don't care about jobs because they get millions in donations for wrapping themselves in a "green" blanket. Unions are about jobs for their workers who rely on the jobs to support their families and communities. The environmentalists are never happy, unless a bird is being chopped up in their heavily subsidized wind turbines. Forget saving the seals, SAVE the eagles! Environmentalists should be out planting trees, if they really actually cared about pollution. Plants suck up CO2 don't you know!  Like this: Just like the environmentalists still use 20 year old pictures of white baby seals being clubbed, they will NEVER, EVER show you the reclamation of the oil sands... that would seriously hurt their fund raising. Some of those trees are 20 years old now, but the "greenies" just can't live in the present. Telling the truth would mean that about 90% of them would be unemployed, if you call going around the world, in a polar bear suit, making an a$$ of yourself, employed. Here is another article that shows how unhappy Americans are with Obama's decision:   By rejecting the Keystone XL oil pipeline, President Obama did more than just pander to environmentalists. He shredded attempts by his handlers to cast him as a pragmatic and reasonable man who can appeal to independent voters. Instead, he stands naked as an ideologue willing to sacrifice workers on the altar of special-interest politics. Thousands of jobs were cast aside with no more thought than yesterday’s socks. Demolished, too, is the promised commitment to energy independence. I especially like this response from one of the comments:  steelking

OBAMA -

First President to refuse to show a valid birth certificate.
First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
First President to preside over a cut to the credit rating of the United States.
First President to violate the War Powers Act.
First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
First President to defy a Federal Judges court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.
First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
First President to spend a trillion dollars on shovel-ready jobs and later admit there was no such thing as shovel-ready jobs.
First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.
First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S. , including those with criminal convictions.
First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
First President to terminate Americas ability to put a man in space.
First President to encourage racial discrimination and intimidation at polling places.
First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly speak-out on the reasons for their rate increases.
First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state they are allowed to locate a factory.
First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN)
First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
First President to appoint 45 Czars to replace elected officials in his office.
First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office.
First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.
First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
First President to coddle American enemies while alienating Americas allies.
First President to publicly bow to Americas enemies while refusing to salute the U.S. Flag.
First President to go on multiple global apology tours.
First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends, paid for by the taxpayer.
First President to refuse to wear the U.S. Flag lapel pin.
First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.
First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000.00 a year at taxpayer expense. (How dumb is that dog?? My addition and bolding)
First President to repeat the Holy Qur'an tells us, and openly admit the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.

I guess it's "game on"!

For My Lefty Friend SQ.

It is interesting that when I posted about prisons, no-one seemed to be interested, except SQ. So, in deference to her opinion, as my longest posting lefty fan, and her beloved lab, who helps kids read, I present Samara and her amazing tail (yes spelling is intentional) of helping people.

I want to thank one of my readers for pointing me to this awesome article about dogs who help people. You know who you are, take a bow! You too SQ. We might disagree 99% of the time but on this issue we can both agree.

It’s easy to see why Samara, a 10-year old Samoyed, is a beloved pet. Her luxurious white fur calls out to be petted, her dark eyes brim with steady affection, and the curl of her bushy tale clearly says “happiness” in a language everyone can understand.
But Samara is much more than a pet. She has an occupation. In fact, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to call her a health care professional.
Samara works one-on-one with seniors who face multiple, often debilitating, health challenges; she teaches life skills to youth with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder; she even helps children learn to read. She has been credited with bringing people back from the brink of death, and has helped ease the passage of those who can’t be brought back.

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The Views is both a heart-wrenching and a heart-warming place. Heart-warming because you can see how much care and energy goes into making the residents’ lives comfortable and meaningful. The staff is kind and attentive; there are big windows letting in light and a view of the estuary; there are bingo games, card games, manicures, visits by a hairdresser and other organized activities.
But it is also heart-wrenching, because regardless of all that, The Views is still an institutional setting, a far cry from the warm embrace of a family home. Residents of The Views often have multiple medical conditions, such as dementia and limited mobility. Quite a few are in wheelchairs.
“For most people, this is their final address. The average life-span of people who move here is five months,” says Dave Fletcher, who as well as being Samara’s guardian is also the unit facilitator of the local St. John’s Ambulance Dog Therapy Program.
Samara’s role, in this setting, is to cheer people up and encourage them to connect to the world around them.
She is very good at her job.
Dave leads Samara around The Views on a leash, stopping to meet people in the hallway, visiting residents in their rooms, and making their way around tables in the common area. It is there that Dave spots Mike, reclining on his wheelchair. His facial muscles are slack, his eyes unfocused.
Dave heads over to Mike, pulls a chair up beside him, and motions for Samara to jump up onto it. Many of The View’s residents need Samara to come to their level so they can see and touch her. For a moment Mike’s eyes remain dull, his face passive, but then a bright spark of interest shines as he recognizes who it is. Slowly, he turns his head, which is supported by a headrest on his chair, in Dave and Samara’s direction. Dave says hello and moves easily into friendly small talk as he reaches down, picks up Mike’s hand and places it into the soft fur of Samara’s neck.
As his hand connects with Samara’s warm body, Mike’s face transforms—the change that comes over him is as dramatic and uplifting as when the sun suddenly emerges from the clouds after hours of rain and gloom. His hand works in Samara’s fur, and he starts to answer Dave’s questions. Samara sits calmly, looking right at Mike, and, I would swear, smiling.
This sort of scenario repeats throughout Samara’s hour-long visit. It has been proven that therapy dogs can improve physical and mental health, enhance vocabulary and memory, and increase sociability and movement, and that petting a dog reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, distracts from chronic pain, and helps people deal with grief. But it is one thing to read these assertions in print and quite another to see it in action.

Read the whole article, it will warm your heart on a cold day. I would love to meet Samara, what a wonderful dog! I bet SQ and her Lab would enjoy visiting with Samara too (just don't talk politics). To all those who volunteer, good job. To those of you with special dogs, who help special people, thank you. You are wonderful, but I have to admit your dogs are the ones who are really awesome! Who could resist Samara's cute face? Not me!

Life In A Prison.

Most people have never visited a prison. Prison is for prisoners, lock them away and forget about them. Problem is that they get out of prison, and have no skills so they go back to what, and who they know, the very situation that got them into trouble in the first place.

The National Post's Christie Blatchford has an excellent article about the closing of the prison farms. It is well worth the read.

At the time, Ottawa’s rationale – I use the word loosely — was that agriculture has changed so much the prison model wasn’t useful any more, that the farms cost taxpayers $4-million a year (I can find no evidence the government ever proved this, and some of the farms even made money) and that the work trained inmates for nothing practical.
It would seem to be all over but the last bit of shouting, so to speak, in court.
But aside from the closures being an illustration of just how dopey the Stephen Harper Conservatives can be on crime, I have to say how very much I think they missed the boat on this one.
I say this as one who has only ever been gentled and ennobled by my contact with animals – any animals, including cows but especially my pets – and who believes that they make us better and kinder.
Because of changes to the law – more mandatory minimum sentences and doing away with two-for-one credit for time served in pre-trial custody – Canadian federal prisons are already more crowded and are going to get only more so in the coming years.
In some minimum-security joints, for instance, inmates are already being double-or-triple bunked. In such conditions, even the illusion of any privacy is impossible and tensions naturally rise. Programming, usually minimal, will become more so. (Not too long ago, while purging my house, I donated boxes of books to a barren prison library, where the selection was old, dated and lousy to boot: Who wouldn’t want to encourage inmates to read?)

I think I can speak to this issue with some authority because I volunteer at a women's prison in a gardening project.

I agree that people who commit crimes should be locked up. Funnily enough, so do most of those I meet who are serving time. What I have come to realize by working with the ladies, is that they need something they can do to make them feel worthwhile. I have never had so many hard workers on a project. If they had to weed all day, they did it, without complaining. They didn't want to sit around and do nothing, and they especially enjoyed reaping the harvest of vegetables.

I also noticed that it was volunteers who came into the Institute as mentors who provided the support system for the inmates, NOT social workers. I have never had so many people so grateful for the few hours I could give them. The volunteers provide a positive link to the outside for the inmates, without any aura of authority. What I also noticed was that most of the volunteers were from religious organizations, but they did not "preach" to the inmates. I wonder where all the lefties are, if they are the saviours of the down trodden, the prison is the place they should be if they really believe what they yap about. They sure are not volunteering, guess they are too busy occupying "nowhere".

Should the prison farms have been closed? NO, NO, and NO! This was a huge misstep by the Conservatives. Any skill that the inmates can learn that gives them something to do and a sense of accomplishment is a good program. Basket weaving or knitting are better than sitting around doing nothing.

Pets are good therapy for everyone. Let the inmates train dogs for the disabled. What I hear is that it is the bureaucrats that are preventing such programs because of "allergies". BS. You hear about the high cost of keeping inmates in prison, but it's the salaries of the bureaucrats that suck up most of the money. Ten inmates get a budget of $330 a week for groceries, (you try eating healthy for $33 a week!) so any fresh grown vegetables are an added benefit for them.

Lock them up for their crimes, but give them some sort of skill while they are locked up, even if it is only milking a cow, or growing a carrot. If one inmate gets out and plants a tomato plant on their balcony so their kids can have fresh tomatoes, that's a huge positive for all of us as a society.

Don't let the lefties fool you, they are all talk and no action. If you want to improve prisons, try volunteering. Start a carpentry, welding or sewing program, you will be amazed at how rewarding it is for you and the inmates. 

Life in a prison? You can improve their experience and everyone will be better for it.