next season's premier episode of
DANCING WITH THE STARS.
The opener should knock your socks off....(picture at end of post, don't peak).
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The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop
into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called
his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do
your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.......
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while
doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions........
put in for Workers Compensation............
and went home for the rest of the day
on sick leave............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK
FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
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So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a day..
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, ''Good morning
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?''
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ''Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?''
So I replied, ''I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe
someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.''
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Snorkeling in Washington
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How's that global warming thingy going?
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Thought for the day:
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: Well, this is a lighthouse … Your call.
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Getting Even . . . .. . the Vet and the Pussycat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight -- starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don't forget to wash her. She stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband “El Cheap-O,” and my husband calls the vet “El Charge-O.” They love to hate each other and constantly “snipe” at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building and next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. Obviously he had seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ”Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!”
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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Women are angels.
...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick.
We are flexible.
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You just had to look didn't you?
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Have a great weekend! Enjoy the Olympics. Go Canada Go!!!!
4 comments:
another beaut of a day on the west coast - Canada's Olympic playground. Despite all the "bad" press, everyone I talk to is enjoying the Games ... and the great weather.
thanks for the FNF ... a gold medal performance!!
Another retiree working at Walmart tale:
The story of one retiree, a Wal-Mart greeter, whom everyone liked but who just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was late. Sometimes five minutes, others 10 or 15. This presented problems for his boss, who really liked him, admired his attitude, appreciated that he worked diligently, was honest, tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a credit to both himself and the company.
He was also living testimony to the benefits of Wal-Mart’s “older persons are friendly” policy.
Finally, the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charlie,” he said, “your work is great, you do a bang-up job and we really appreciate you. But I’ve got to tell you, you coming in late so often is really bothersome. Can you do something about it?”
“Yes, boss, I know that’s a failing and I’m working on it,” Charlie said.
“Well, that’s good. You’re a team player and that’s what I like to hear. It’s odd, though, you coming in late. I know you were in the military. What did they say when you came in late there?”
“They said ‘Good morning, general, can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?’”
LS - that's a classic. Excellent. The greeters at my local Wal-Mart are terrific and it's always a pleasure when I enter the store and am greeted by these folks. Wal-Mart's greeter policy is very smart marketing - as somebody whose former career was in retail, I recognize the intelligence behind the greeter function - especially for us male shoppers.
If I run to Wal-Mart for a hammer, for example, I wouldn't think of taking a cart but...the greeter says hello to me and passes a cart to me. As I'm heading to hardware (located at the back of the store), I pass some toilet paper on sale so I pop one in the cart. Then, I see my favourite crackers on display (Triscuit) and toss a box or two in the cart. Oh, there's some tire shine - in the cart. By the time I reach hardware, I have three or four items in my cart. On the way back, I pass the candy aisle and who can resist twizzlers. So, instead of just one item, I've tossed five or six in my cart, thus running up my purchase amount.
And people wonder why Wal-Mart is so successful. The closest Wal-Mart grocery store is about 45 km from my home but when I need quantity, I'll go the distance for the price, selection, and freshness. Very smart retailer.
I like the idea of Wal-Mart hiring disabled and handicapped people as greeters.
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