Friday Night Funnies: Blind Cowboy

We are getting closer to spring everyday, it's light out in the morning and still light on the drive home, not like in the winter when you get up in the dark and arrive home in the dark. Even the birds are singing again, and you can smell spring coming.
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BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black

belt in karate.

4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Full body scanners:


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Best idea I have heard in a long time. Whoever thought of this is a genius!
Here's a solution to all the controversy over using full-body scanners in airports:


A concrete room that one must enter that will not X-ray you,
But will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
We could call it " The Boom Box"
Or " The Boom-Boom Room"
It would be a Win-Win for everyone!
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Woman With the Biggest Boobs in history!
It is so bad I am only sending it out to certain people that
I thought could handle it.
...unbelievable...
photo of a woman with the two biggest boobs I have ever seen....


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News from Vancouver

Olympic Skier Lindsay Vann
has been stripped of her Gold Medal

The Gold Medal has been awarded to
Barack Obama as it was determined that
he is going DOWNHILL faster than her
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Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death
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This is not a bath towel, do not step on it!


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LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 4," I said.


The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a b#@ch !!
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Augusta Golf Course experiences global warming!

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T. B. Bechtel, a City councilor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a
local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of
torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will
save just one Australian, American or Canadian life, then I have only
three things to say,' :

'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'

(I have to remind the lefties that these are jokes. Oh, why do I bother?)
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This one makes me think of SQ, poor thing.


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Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger. 'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said.
'I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
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Try this one! I put in Canada Rocks for my message!
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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked..

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'.The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in..'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
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Now this is an interesting one:

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(i love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)


HOW MANY ? (Only lefties will peek at the answer!)






WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".


Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

I knew it was a trick but I still only got 4, how about you?

Have a great weekend! Spring is so close, you can smell it!