Friday Night Funnies: In The Closet.

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in gas, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' 

 The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' 
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A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.  The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'  The man says, 'Yes, it is.'  Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'  Man - 'That's nice.'  Boy - 'Want to buy it?'  Man - 'No, thanks.'  Boy - 'My dad's outside.'  Man - 'OK, how much?'  Boy - '$250'  A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..  Boy - 'Dark in here.'  Man - 'Yes, it is.'  Boy - 'I have sand wedge.     'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'  Boy - '$750'  Man - 'Sold.'  A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'  The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'  Boy - '$1,000.'  The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you  confess.'  They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.  The boy says, 'Dark in here.'  The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

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Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.  Who did I miss ?
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I love flash mobs.....This one is at the Denver Airport.

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 A man went to Church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit ?'

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New Treatment For Sunburn - Bet you never thought of this.  

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his  upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

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Brain Study.... It takes a few seconds ... We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.    ----------------------------------------------------------- Still freezing here, stay warm and enjoy your weekend.

The Sky Is Falling, The Sky Is Falling!

Obama says, NO, but maybe later. It reminded me of this:

Obama is the Keystone Cops, going over a cliff and still never getting his "man".

Poor old "heavy crude" sometimes called "bitumen", it's not as fast flowing as "light, sweet crude", so it's called "dirty". Alberta oil sands have been a huge target of foreign funded attacks by our stupid, greedy "greens".

Interesting to know, Alberta is not the only producer of "heavy crude", even though you wouldn't know it from our far left media/environmentalists.

 Increasing U.S. Dependency on Foreign Crude Oil
Over the past five years, studies of global oil production have consistently predicted that diminishing discoveries of conventional crude oil will cause worldwide oil production to peak and irreversibly decline by the end of the present decade.^{[1], [2], [3], [4], [5]} But heavy hydrocarbons still remain as a largely untapped petroleum resource — heavy crude oil and natural bitumen (also called “tar sands” or “oil sands”) exist in abundance.

Shocking! Conventional oil (1.02 trillion) is ruled by the middle east, and heavy oil (5.6 trillion) is ruled by Canada. Still Obama rejected Canadian oil in favour of middle east oil and even the Venezuela heavy oil. A well hidden fact is that California oil is 51% "heavy crude", but don't expect environmentalists to tell you about that, or to ever protest in the US.

Heavy oil was discovered in California before the turn of the previous century and currently comprises about half of the state’s crude oil production. With this production spread among more than 200 reservoirs, significant infrastructure to access heavy oil is already in place.

Foreign interests are sponsoring Canadian environmental groups to stop the Gateway pipeline. WHY? What's in it for them, except control of our oil without investment in it?

Even the middle east realizes that "heavy crude" has to be looked at.

Middle East oil countries should increase production of heavy oil as oil prices remain higher and improved technology makes it easier, those attending an industry conference in Bahrain were told.

....

Production and refining of heavy crude costs more than recovering and processing light crude. Production of heavy oil from oil sands in Canada’s Alberta province has an estimated break-even point of $35 a barrel, Mirza noted. But Bahrain’s heavy oil could be recovered at a cost of between $8 and $9 a barrel, he said.
Oil prices in recent weeks have fluctuated in a range of $70 to $80 a barrel, which OPEC officials have declared an ideal range.
“Heavy oil will be a savior to the ever-increasing demand for fossil fuels from the developing nations,” Mirza was quoted as saying.

Hello environmentalists, the gig is up. You should go to the middle east and tell them that they need the same environmental controls as Canada has had imposed on them. But they won't because environmentalists are chicken little's, running around in circles, wearing polar bear suits, yelling that the sky is falling, the sky is falling!

We Are ALL Taxed Out!

First up, underage smokers! Shock! Retailers sell smokes to underage kids. What will happen if marijuana is legalized? Will under aged kids be able to get it, like they get booze? Funny thing about pot versus smokes, is that if anyone near you smokes pot, you get high, whether you want to or not. What about the people that have severe reactions to even the smell of pot? If peanuts can be banned from schools, than pot should be banned, not only from schools, but from anywhere the pubic gathers. No pot bars allowed, if smokers can't light up indoors, or have smoking bars, neither can the potheads.

Second, a hidden article: Provinces REJECT federal governments health care funding.

Canadian premiers have unanimously rejected Finance Minister Jim Flaherty's take-it-or-leave-it plans for health transfer payments to the provinces, B.C. Premier Christy Clark said Monday.
She said they all agreed the plan – made without negotiating with the provinces -- is both "unprecedented and unacceptable."

Oh, my God, how stupid are the Premiers? Seriously? They have been whining for years that the federal government has been intruding on health care, and now that they have been given FREE reign, they are unhappy? Are they really that stupid?  My bet is that Clark and Redford are too stupid/inexperienced to realize that Dalton and Charest are using them.

I hope that Jim Flaherty sticks to his budget and makes the provinces pay for their own health care, after all, it is their responsibility! Suck it up buttercups, you now have 6% more money for health care, use it wisely, and stop making the federal government the bad guy, when your deficits and debt combined are higher than the federal governments.

Red Ali agreed to NOT support a 6% increase in health care money even though the new per capita formula meant that Albertans would get way more money from the feds. She obviously doesn't care about Alberta. She sold Albertans out for her own political aspirations. She only cares about her image as a Progressive Liberal lite latte sipping elite. In the final analysis, she's not very bright is she?

My impression of the Premiers meeting is that they tried to unite to become the "fake" federal government. They now think that since they have been given MORE power by the federal government that they will now rule this nation if they can only combine their provinces.

I hope that the provinces reduce the ridiculous trade barriers from province to province, so they can increase trade. I wish that provinces would take responsibility for education, health care, the environment and all the other responsibilities mandated to them in the constitution. Stop relying on the federal government for all your goodies. Stop your whining and be glad that the feds are giving you room to innovate. Stop running home to Momma!

Remember there is only ONE taxpayer, on the municipal, provincial and federal level. One taxpayer, three levels of government taxing us all. We are all taxed out.

Cold Weather Hits! Look Out For Your Kids And Animals!

Deep freeze time. Make sure you look out for your kids and your animals. Those nice little knit coats are great and so are booties. It's funny how dogs will react to the booties, but if they are going to be out walking for any length of time, in minus 27 weather, they will appreciate you putting those booties on.

Your dog is going to react to the booties the same as every dog reacts...they are going to walk funny for a few minutes, it is not torture, but it is really funny.

The dogs are fine, and most importantly so are their paws. You stand out barefoot in minus 30 weather and see how long you can stand it!

The worse is that all the people commenting negatively about a dog in booties, seem to have nothing to say about this.

Barefoot toddler saved from brutal cold

 EDMONTON - The quick actions of a Good Samaritan likely saved a child's life after he was found outside in -34 C weather wearing shorts and an upside down parka, police say.

The barefoot three-year-old boy was plucked to safety after a neighbour in his west-end apartment building heard him crying about 10:45 p.m. Sunday.
"If it hadn't been for this citizen stepping forward, I don't even want to think of what the outcome might have been," said Sgt. Gary Willits, with the Child At Risk Response Team.
"The outcome could have been tragic."

Now, that is important. Complaining about people filming their dogs wearing booties, is very unimportant in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't even rate our concern.

Keep your kids bundled up and your pets warm in this cold weather. It's only common sense. 

Premiers Are Lost Little Kittens.

On the issue of health care, the Premiers have been given a blank slate by the federal government. They have been left confused without direction from the feds.

They do not seem to understand that health care is a provincial responsibility. They are refusing to take that responsibility and own it. They want the federal government to guide them.

Personally, I think the Premiers were happy to have the federal government intrude on their domain because they could then pretend it was the feds that were keeping provinces from providing good health care to Canadians. Now, they have to own it!

OTTAWA - Canada's premiers will spend the next two days trying to find a common front to present to Ottawa over health care.
Provincial and territorial leaders are in Victoria, B.C. for 36 hours of strategizing in the wake of the federal government's unilateral move to lay out the health funding framework.
But the premiers are divided along broad east-west lines over whether they like the deal, with provinces such as Ontario balking at the arrangement.
In December, Ottawa short-circuited what were expected to be lengthy negotiations over health transfers to the provinces by dictating the terms - transfers would continue to grow by 6% annually until 2017. They would then be tied to economic growth including inflation, likely around 4%.
"That completely changed the dynamic," said the University of Ottawa's Patrick Fafard, noting the provinces, instead of uniting over squeezing extra cash from Ottawa, now have to confront more illusive targets.

The provinces are so used to whining to the feds that they are in shock that they have been given the health care money without any strings attached. This makes them responsible for their own health care spending, and it scares them because they will have no-one to blame but themselves for longer wait times, no family doctors, etc.

Grow some balls Premiers, you wanted the job, now solve your own provinces problems, without crying to the feds for everything. Your whining grates on my nerves, and makes you look like lost little kittens.

Liberal Anne McLellan LOVES Red Ali!

If you have doubted what I have been saying about Red Ali being a Liberal, this video will prove conclusively that I am right. Pay attention to how much ex-Deputy Prime Minister Anne McLellan loves Red Ali. Ever since I watched this video I have been thinking about what she said, and it only confirms that Red Ali was elected by Liberals. (Thank you Stephen for this great video!)

Her last comment about being happy that Red Ali is a female? Well Danielle Smith is a female too! I guess a Liberal female trumps a Conservative female in her eyes. Will she say the same thing if Danielle is elected?

What strikes me as interesting is that Red Ali has been making provincial friends with all the Liberals. Problem is that Dalton, Charest, and Clark are all stuck on stupid, and it appears that Red Ali wants to join their parade. She is obviously only listening to Liberals like Landslide Anne McLellan, a loser:

Conservative defeats Anne McLellan on 2nd try

Updated Tue. Jan. 24 2006 12:35 AM ET

Canadian Press

EDMONTON -- The land finally slid under Landslide Annie.
After toughing out three narrow campaign victories since first coming to power in 1993, Deputy Prime Minister Anne McLellan lost Monday night to her Conservative opponent in Edmonton Centre, Laurie Hawn.

Anne never understood Alberta, she still doesn't. In the clip she stated that only about 25% of Albertans would support Wildrose, and the polls back her up. Boy does she live in la la land. Most importantly, she didn't even support her own Liberal party, all she could do was praise Red Ali. Your slip is showing Anne!

If that clip doesn't convince you that Alison Redford is a Liberal plant, nothing ever will. Which makes it all the more important to get out and support the Wildrose party.

You have to know that the Liberals are going to vote for her, she gave the teachers 100 MILLION dollars, and the the NDP voters are going to like her support of the teachers union, so she will get their votes too.

The Liberal/NDP supporters got her into power, it is up to us Conservatives to get her out of power. Make no mistake, she is Alberta's Dalton McGuinty. She will take a have province and make it a have not province because of her leftist leanings.

She has done nothing to support our oil sands! Nothing. She has been too busy visiting other provinces to get them to agree to another National Energy Program, that will destroy our economy. She has to go, she is dangerous to our economy and our livelihoods. 

Join Wildrose, start the engine that will drive them to power. We have to, it is imperative that we do so, because Red Ali will destroy everything we have worked so hard to build. If we do not rid ourselves of this Liberal Premier, we will be worse off than the US under Obama.

Seriously, Red Ali has to go, she is not a Conservative, and she is not supportive of the engine of Canada, the oil sands. Boot her, and all of her supposedly Conservative cronies.