Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Goodbye, Section 13...

We hated you more than you could know! Dare we hope that finally a clause that allowed "hurt feelings" will finally go into the dumpster of bad ideas? Write your MP's to make them understand the importance of scraping this nonsense clause.

A Tory MP plans to introduce legislation as early as Friday calling for the repeal of a section in the federal human rights code banning hate speech over the Internet.
Despite being a backbencher, Brian Storseth is convinced the bill will succeed because nearly every Tory MP opposes Section 13, and he believes the Harper government wants to see it repealed.
"Section 13 suppresses the basic right to freedom of speech in our society that is guaranteed under the Charter of Rights & Freedoms," said Mr. Storseth, who represents the Alberta riding of Westlock-St. Paul.
 It's about time! Goodbye section 13, you perverted our Canadian values by allowing petty people to use section 13 for their own gains. It deserves to be gone. Good riddance to bad legislation. Human rights were perverted by section 13.

The worst thing about it was that the lefties on the HRC's used that flawed law to persecute anyone who had a right leaning. They were the haters, hiding behind a bad policy. Witch hunters. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

MASSIVE Protest!

So says Lisa La-La Land.

Environmentalists are staging a massive protest on Parliament Hill against a proposed pipeline that would carry crude oil from the Alberta oils sands to the U.S. Gulf Coast – passing through six states.
How out of touch can one reporter be? MASSIVE protest? At most, reporters are saying 500 and that's counting all the police and reporters.  Why do lefties want to kill the very industry that supports them and most of Canada? Ontario is now a have not province, be happy that Alberta, Saskatchewan and Newfoundland are supporting your MASSIVE lefty programs. The protest was a huge failure, Lisa needs to be honest, but I guess I'm expecting too much from the lefty media here is Canada. If it wasn't for the unions wasting their members money, probably only 50 people would have shown up. MASSIVE failure Lisa, MASSIVE!

Not to be outdone, thousands of union workers rallied against....well they rallied against the Toronto Mayor, because they are scared for their cushy union jobs.

About 4,000 people packed Nathan Phillip Square by 6 p.m. Monday. Many carried placards showing a cartoon of a runaway train going off a cliff, with Rob Ford in the locomotive, and the slogan, “Stop the Crazy Train.”

 Funny how those perfectly printed placards instantly appeared as if by magic. Union fees at work for political advocacy. Shame on the unions for failing their members by becoming political monsters. If you think I am exaggerating, look at the woman in this picture, reminds me of the workers union of Russia.

Look at the clenched fist, the glazed eyes and the strained neck muscles, clearly a women with a mission. Heil Union anyone? The pre-printed signs are another indication of union involvement.

So, it appears that the unions abandoned the greenies on Parliament hill to protest against any cuts to their golden pension jobs. Funny how you always find the lefties at the trough, snorting and shouting when their gravy train is threatened....In the name of the "little people" of course.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

TAPS, Unbelievable Talent!

I was at the airport today picking up my hubby who went to PEI to visit his family, and I saw a group of Canadian troops. They were obviously being deployed somewhere, but I was too shy to approach them and ask where they were going. When we got home, I checked my emails, and West Coast Teddi had sent me this very inspiring rendition of TAPS.

The conductor of the orchestra is Andre Rieu from Holland . The young lady, her trumpet and her rendition of TAPS makes your hair stand on end.
Many of you may never have heard taps played in its entirety, for all of the Men and Women who have died for you to have the freedom you have in America .  This is an opportunity you won't want to miss and I guarantee you'll never forget.

Amazingly beautiful .. Melissa Venema, age 13, is the trumpet soloist.

Here is 'Taps' played in its entirety. The Original version of Taps was called Last Post, and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1801.  It was rather lengthy and formal, as you will hear in this clip, so in 1862 it was shortened to 24 notes and re-named 'Taps'.

Our military is the backbone of our country. The Liberals decimated them by refusing to fund them for decades. Now, the Conservatives are rebuilding our proud forces, but the lefties are shouting about unnecessary expenditures, like new helicopters and jets, they are pandering to their voters, without caring about Canada.  I would prefer 1.1 Billion a year going towards our troops instead of the lame, useless and biased CBC.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Mayday! Mayday!

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women ahead of them is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.  Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f-----g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it.  You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.  He was 63 . . .
A Marine Wife Confesses
This came from a Marine wife. It says it all
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Underwent a peaceful transition of power two years ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bas^ard.
“Help...Help, my pilot just died!"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday!  Mayday!  My pilot just died!"

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, Madam.  I'll talk you down, just do as I say.  First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5’2” and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control responds, "Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."
A  must  read for Grandparents....(Those who aren't will love it,   too.)
At one point  during a  game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old  baseball  players  aside and  asked,
'Do you understand what  cooperation is?   What a team is?'  The little boy nodded  in the   affirmative. 
'Do  you  understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a   team?'  The little boy nodded 'yes'.  
'So,'   the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you   shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a  pecker-head,  dickhead or asshole.  Do you understand all  that?'  The little  boy nodded 'yes' again.
He  continued, 'And when I  take you out of the game so another boy gets  a chance to play, it's not  good sportsmanship to call your   coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is  it?' 
The  little  boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD',  said the   coach..
'Now  go over there and explain all that to  your  grandmother!'

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed
  to be far too qualified for the job; given her liberal arts degree from
  the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and
  school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said,  "I have to ask you this:
 "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
  "I've been divorced three times,
  owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen  with.
>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
>19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
The graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'
 Okay, off to bed, want to get up early to enjoy what might be the last warm weekend of this year. The leaves are falling, time to get the potatoes and carrots out of the ground.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Bad Times and Good Times

My summer was a time of polar opposites. I had some achievements and some tear jerking moments.

I will start with the achievements, and end with the sad moments, that still haunt me.

I started a gardening program at the Edmonton Institute for Women(prison). I spent most of my summer helping the ladies grow a vegetable garden and now we are harvesting it. I got an award from them for starting the program and got to shake the Mayor's hand....while I was asking him for compost so our garden would be better next year.

I have never received an award for anything before, so it was a real highlight. The ones who should have received the award were the inmates who worked really hard weeding the gardens for $5 a day. I thought the money wouldn't matter to them, but it did. Some of them had no family to send them money, so the $5 a day bought them toothpaste, shampoo and other necessary items.

To all those lefties who yell about how crime is down and no new jails are need to get off your high (union induced delusions) and visit a prison near you to see how crowded they really are. You are such hypocrites, supposed champions of the poor, you fail to actually DO anything to actually help them. Most of the volunteers in the prisons are from non-profit organizations, usually Churches of some kind. They do not push religion, but their religion inspires them to volunteer.

I will continue to volunteer at the Institute because the ladies I meet there need to know that  someone cares.
Another good thing has come into our lives....her name is ASH!

She is a 60 lbs. spitball greyhound. The best thing is that she is ours, she won't be leaving us in a year to go to another family like the Dogs With Wings dogs. She is ours, to love and care for, to keep. She is also trying to get the squirrels to play with her, but they are too smart to come near her.

That leads me into the bad times. I am still sick at heart at what someone in our neighbourhood did to our poor little innocent squirrels.
Here we have two of the many squirrels that visited our yard this summer. They would come quite close to me to get peanuts. I enjoyed sitting out on the patio and watching them play.

We took this picture thinking the baby squirrel was really tired, but it is actually a picture of a poisoned and dying squirrel. I am still crying for that baby. People at work laughed because it was only a rodent. Well, I was able to scoop that baby squirrel up into a towel....I rocked it like you would any baby, and then we took it to all night emergency clinic where they put it down. When we got home, another squirrel was sick, but we couldn't catch it.

The next day, I was on the patio reading a book, and another baby squirrel came and curled up in the sun not even a foot from me, it had also been poisoned. I was going to let it just die peacefully beside me, but it was obviously in pain, so we made another trip to the vet, and another baby squirrel was put down.

We called the SPCA, Alberta Wildlife, anyone we could think of because if squirrels were dying from poison, next it would be cats and dogs, but we got no help from anyone.

Today the greyhound watched the one surviving squirrel, and wanted to play. The squirrel stayed out of her way and chattered at her, understanding that playing with a greyhound was not an option.

Someone in our area is setting out poison, but the city is more interested in a hockey arena then dead poisoned animals.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

It Is Time For The Reign To End!

The Alberta PC's just killed their chances to continue their 40 year reign, they are now DEAD. Oh, the skeleton is still rattling it's bones, thinking it's still alive, but Albertans' know it is DEAD, it just hasn't been buried yet.

Until this weekend, the debate amongst Alberta’s long-ruling Progressive Conservatives wasn’t if the party needed to change to survive, but how. By Saturday night, after votes had been tallied for the party’s leadership race to replace retiring premier Ed Stelmach, it was clear that change had already come. The contest isn’t over: the top three contenders — Gary Mar, Doug Horner and Alison Redford — will now spend the next two weeks running like Kenyan marathoners into the last stretch of the drawn-out race. But the results revealed a party clearly and profoundly transformed after four-and-a-half tumultuous years under Mr. Stelmach’s rule. And not for the better.
Mar, Horner or Redford??? Are you kidding me? I thought Stelmach was bad, but these candidates are killers....killers of the PC party that is. What a joke! Our PC's are on the same track as the federal Liberals, dying a slow painful DEATH without understanding how it is happening.

I have mentioned before that the Wildrose Alliance was looking like the party to vote for, now I know for sure that they are Alberta's only viable alternative. They could not possibly be worse than what we have suffered these last 4 and 1/2 years. It has been torture. That torture must end. No self respecting Conservative could vote these guys back in. It is time for the reign to end.

I got lots of calls from Morton's team and Mar's, I still couldn't be bothered to vote. Mar's people were down right rude, wonder how obnoxious they will be if they win. It doesn't really matter, whoever becomes our next Premier is going to have a short reign.....bring on the election so we can get rid of all those do nothing PC bums. I guess the Liberals and NDP who pretend to be Conservatives are voting for Mar, because no Conservative would ever think he was a good choice.

Wildrose, Alberta's new and only hope. Now is the time for them to ramp up their profile. Get the word out, the PC's are DEAD, and the Wildrose is the only alternative. I am going to buy a Wildrose membership now, and volunteer for them next election. It's time to rid Alberta of the "Red Tories" who are currently in power.

It Is Time For The Reign To END!   

Friday, September 16, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where is it to be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
trip to  Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...

 Subject:  The Wine taster...

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking to replace him.
An unkempt, unwashed, unshaven unsavory  drunkard was the first applicant.

The prospective employer wondered how to send him away without appearing to be too insensitive.
With his secretary by his side he gave him a glass of wine  to drink.

The tramp did not swallow but sniffed the glass twirled it and took a sip and then said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
"Very professional" came the response before another glass was proffered
And then came; "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results".

The boss and his secretary are becoming bemused by this and although they still wanted him to leave they offered a third glass which after contemplation came;

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished but was almost at a loss about what to do next when his secretary whispered in his ear. He nodded at her suggestion and then she left only to return
with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it, cogitated, smiled and said:

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
 I'm  sure that you have seen pharmaceutical  advertising in doctor's offices on everything  from tissues to note pads.
This one should get  First prize....
I  e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend;
He  e-mailed  back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
 Well, golf season is ending here, got to pickle more cucumbers and clean out the garage.....exciting stuff! Have a great weekend, and thanks to my FNF helpers, keep those jokes and videos coming!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

9/11 A Heart Warming Story...

You all know that I foster seeing eye dogs, so you shouldn't be shocked that I want this dog to be highlighted for the 10th year remembrance of all the heroes of 9/11. Salty did what he was trained to do, not out of duty, but clearly out of love.


Friday Night Funnies: Giraffe Test!

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.. 'Who's been eating myporridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


God's sense of Humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.
Giraffe Test
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.
1.  How do you put a giraffe into a  refrigerator?

Stop  and think about it and decide on your answer  before you scroll  down.

The  correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in  the giraffe, and close the door. This question  tests whether you tend to do simple things in an  overly complicated  way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a  refrigerator?

Did  you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the  elephant, and close the  refrigerator?

Wrong  Answer.

Correct Answer: Open  the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in  the elephant and close the door. This tests your  ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals   
attend  .... Except one.   Which animal does not  attend?

Correct  Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the  refrigerator. You just put him in there.   This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions  correctly, you still have one more chance to  show your true  abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used  by crocodiles, and 
you  do not have a boat. How do you manage  it?


Correct  Answer:? You jump into the river and swim  across. Have you not been listening? All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your  mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90%  of the 
Professionals  they tested got all questions wrong, but many  preschoolers got several correct answers.      Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do  not have the brains of a  four-year-old. 
Patriot and Punk
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, I said - my boy's a typical Tipperrary baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?  He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...

"Had him circumcised."
Married Men

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 

The bartender was crushed to death.
 I used to avoid listening to Obama's speeches.
Now, I look forward to the next one.
Here is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable.

Just print this page, distribute it to friends,
then tune in to his next speech........

 Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech,
print your "Bullshit Bingo"
2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear
one of those words/phrases.
3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically,
or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"  

A VIRUS is going round called

If you feel the need to start housework.
Stop immediately.
This virus wipes out your social life.
If you should come in contact
with housework go straight
to the nearest store &
buy the only known antidote
which is called CHOCOLATE.
Please forward this warning immediately
to at least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends
you are already infected.
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Fortitude Valley Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv,  haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money  to be paying me with?!"
Michigan Parade Float Winner!!
 A 5 year old's first job…
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock!!!!!!"
 A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her  down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain                                 just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feeling?'

'Now exactly what  would you have said ?'
We are having a heat wave, so get outside and enjoy it while it lasts! The northern lights are dancing them!

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Why We Love Old People.


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

One morning while making breakfast, A man walked up to his wife,
Pinched her on the butt and said....
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of Your control top pantyhose.'

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent.

The next morning, The man woke his wife with A pinch on each of her breasts
And said....'You know, if you firmed these up, We could get rid of your bra.'

This was Beyond A silent response...

So she rolled over And Grabbed him By his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, She said...

'You know, If you Firmed this up,
We could Get rid of 
The gardener,
The postman,
   The pool man
             Your brother !'
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking around and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:  "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid . . . "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is
the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'.""Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus."
Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday  I  had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.  Of course I was a  bit on edge because all my friends have either  gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The  waiting room was filled with  patients.
As I approached  the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the  receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo  wrestler.    I gave  her my name.

In  a very loud voice, the receptionist  said,"YES,  I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU  WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,  RIGHT?"
All the  patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,  a now very embarrassed man.  But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  

The room erupted in applause!

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. 

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. 

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I  need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned . . .'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No, 'I replied.  

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.

'I wrote down:  ID10T !

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
Too tired for more.....have a great long weekend!!