Saturday, July 07, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: The Stud

 Pregnant on the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


 And that is why the chicken crossed the road!!

The Gold Urinal

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But, of course, I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who pissed in your saxophone."


A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!
The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of  this week 'count' St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down, There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
In that case" says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud.

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter,"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan "
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week
Vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 Revenue Canada instalment check yet?" 

"No, sweetheart," she responds. 
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" 
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. 

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. 
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" 

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
 To end on an upbeat note:

If artists want ordinary people to connect with them and their love of music, this is the way to do it, not in some stuffy concert hall!
Have a great weekend, it's going to be a scorcher here....good thing I have 4 huge rain barrels for watering. No Henrietta here, have you ever been in a chicken coop?

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