Friday, June 29, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: You May Live in Canada if...

 The Maple Leaf Flag Funny Canadian Jokes

A Canadian couple was strolling through Hyde Park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton.
The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said, 'Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians.'
'Indeed we are,' replied the Canadian gentleman.
'I hope you won't mind my asking,' said the Brit, 'but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?'
'Well,' replied the Canadian gentleman, 'one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known.'
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, 'And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?'
'Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto,' the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit then asked, 'And what are those six words?'
The Canadian smiled and replied, 'They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'
Elder Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking sad.

  "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight
  has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

  His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't
  you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

  "That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a
  hundred and three. He can't help."

  "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife,
  "but his eyesight is perfect."

  So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course
  with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty
  swing and squints down the fairway.

  He turns to the brother-in-law and says,
  "Did you see the ball?"

  "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law.
  "I have perfect eyesight".

  "Where did it go?" says Arthur.

  "I don't remember."
Don't mess with Voodoo Mama!


The New Canadian Tax Form

Canada's T1 Tax Return Form [New Simple Format]
1. How much money did you make? $____,____.____
2. Send it to us.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . . 



When Canada Was Created

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'
God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.'
'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?'
'No, not really.' God replied..........'Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them.'
Swimsuit Season Is HERE!

 Not what you imagined was it?
New  Senior Health Plan     
 You're  a sick senior citizen and the government says  there is no nursing home available for you. So  what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65  years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are  allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of  course, this means you will be sent to prison  where you will get three meals a day, a roof  over your head, central heating, air  conditioning and all the health care you  need!
   Need  new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's  great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or  heart? They're all covered. As  an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you  as often as they do now.

And who will be  paying for all of this? It's the same government  that just told you that you they cannot afford  for you to go into a home.

Plus, and  because you are a prisoner, you don't have to  pay any income taxes  anymore.
Is  this a great country or what?

You may live in Canada if:
 This is what Jeff Foxworthy (King of the Redneck jokes) had to say about Canadians at his recent appearance at Ceasars Windsor
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada.
You may also live in Canada if:
  • If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there.
  • If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
  • If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
  • If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend.
  • If you measure distance in hours.
  • If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
  • If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back again.
  • If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
  • If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your wife knows how to use them.
  • If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 95 and everybody is passing you.
  • If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  • If you know all 4 seasons:
    Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.  (Cheryl says:'This is my favourite, because how true')
  • If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
  • If you find -2oF degrees 'a little chilly'. 
 Have a great Canada Day! Fly the flag to show you love Canada!

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