Friday, June 22, 2012

Friday Night Funnies: Amish Elevator

Eric's train ride

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed
her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her
pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi
sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six
thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey,
not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No
sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my
heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young
woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous
diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:  ”Hey, Eric, turn that
stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. 



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke. It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.
Males beware!
Cq] new element discovered  

Dear Fellow quilters, even if you haven't done chemistry, I think you will
enjoy this......

Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known

to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25

assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,

giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are

surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be

detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into


A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take

less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but

instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant

neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each

reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to  believe

that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical

concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When  catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes  Administratium

(symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium,

since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Dr. Annick D. Ansselin


 A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.' 

 Smile for the day--Amazing Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
---------------------------------------------------------------- -----------

Do you like him any better white?

No? Me either. See, you're not a racist.
 A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......

'Go get your Mother'

Have a great weekend. The weeds are strangling my veggies, so I will be fighting the good fight this weekend. I challenge all you greenies to come on out and help weed, get your hands dirty. Too busy, HA, thought so.

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