Friday Night Funnies: The New Pope!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE:

I NO COME WORK TODAY.

 

Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that."

 

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!" 
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Politics.....Nothing Changes!!! 

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is

 

Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with

some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"

and produces a tinyporcelain elephant, about an inch tall,

bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult

with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants

to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back  at her and says.

"It's a knickknack,

Patty Whack.

Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? 

Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously! 

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!

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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

 

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high   school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

 

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

 

In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.  In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.  He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

 

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

 

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.  "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

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Have a great weekend....spring is coming!