The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) come when called and are pleased to see you,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and, best of all.....
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) come when called and are pleased to see you,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and, best of all.....
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND WHO LIVES IN NORTH DAKOTA NEAR THE
CANADIAN BORDER. HE SAID THAT SINCE EARLY THIS MORNING THE SNOW IS
NEARLY WAIST HIGH AND IS STILL FALLING. THE TEMPERATURE IS DROPPING WAY
BELOW ZERO AND THE NORTH WIND IS INCREASING TO NEAR GALE FORCE.
- HIS WIFE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT LOOK THROUGH THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND JUST
STARE. HE SAYS THAT IF IT GETS MUCH WORSE, HE MAY HAVE TO LET HER IN.
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Ticket Please!!!
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.
How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket? asks one of
the men.
Watch and learn, answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram
into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game,
they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
How are you going to travel without a ticket? asks one perplexed man.
Watch and learn, answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
She knocks on their door and says, Ticket please.
I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.
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A public school substitute teacher was arrested today at Reagan Airport as he attempted to board a flight to visit his daughter in Florida while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
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Best Marriage Proposal Ever??? Too Funny!
Saving the best for last:
Have a wonderful weekend. It's been blazing hot here...got to plus 2 the other day! HA! Guess my kids won't freeze their butts off getting Christmas decorations down.
2 comments:
Christmas decorations down? Already? Isn't there a government rule that says you can't take them down until after Groundhog Day? And what about saving the energy and leaving them up until next year - a "green party solution"?
Thanks for the FNF - Happy 2013.
A great smile at the whole column. Sent it off to an old Lefty friend. Not sure if the boom I heard was his head exploding.
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