Friday Night Funnies: Walk Don't Run!

Preparing to meet the new puppy:

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener. 

 

I also made a cover for my hearing aid, and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest has fallen into your drawers!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

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Greatest card trick ever or a big fake?

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 Muslim Dilemma: (Dare I post this JOKE???)

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

-No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You cook over burning camel shit

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no shit Sherlock !

It's not like it could get much worse

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Trying to get that weight off? Try the treadmill...or not!

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The COW AND THE ICE CREAM ONE OF THE BEST THEORIES OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION 
-->From a teacher in the Nashville area - -

"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream. 'The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching 3rd grade. The last Presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it...She didn't know.

The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream...

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year old's.

They want ice cream.

The other 48.6% percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

This is the ice cream Obama promised us!
Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Did you vote for the ice cream?
THAT MY FRIEND, IS HOW OBAMA GOT ELECTED...

BY THOSE WHO WANT EVERYTHING FOR FREE!

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Walk Don't Run by the Ventures, with a Twist! The grin on the 4 Star Generals face as he is playing is priceless!

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Have a great weekend, and remember to shop at Christmas friendly stores. I sent an email to Canadian Tire about their support of CHRISTMAS and received a very nice reply:

Thank you for contacting our office regarding our Christmas advertisements. 

We appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback with us directly. It is always wonderful to receive positive feedback from our customers. 

Send Canadian Tire some Christmas cheer, email them!

 

Obama Fiddles While America Burns

Some have called him Santa Claus, and others have called him Robin Hood, but he is more of a puppet than anything. What he did was appeal to voters on a basic level, goodies for all....well except for the rich. He played the envy game and is now pushing for an envy tax. It is really divisive, but it works, just like it did for the Liberals who divided the east and west of our country for decades.

The Republicans were talking deficit and debt and failed to connect with the voters, because the voters don't want to be told the negative, they wanted to be told how everything is going to be great.

Obama didn't even have a plan, he hasn't even passed a budget in 4 years, but on the most primeval level, people wanted to be acknowledged and held blameless for the situation they and America find themselves in. They wanted hugs, and Obama phones, not talk about "fiscal cliffs".

It proves that if you want to win, you must appeal to the most elemental instincts of people in the form of "emotions", and that is what most lefties do best. They make it all about emotions and feelings.

Protests are an effective method that only the left seems to use, with the exception of the Tea Party in the US, and they get called racists and rednecks by the media and lefties, for just daring to gather and state an opinion that the left doesn't like.

Mitt Romney was the better fiscal candidate, but Americans were looking for the "rock star". They got him, and even now are blaming the Republicans for the "fiscal cliff" they are heading off of, even though they were warned it was going to happen if Obama got reelected. Reminds me of Nero and Rome burning.

The left is all about dividing people into segments and catering to special interest groups, while the right is about family values and long term stability. Obama won big in the urban, highly populated areas, and lost big time in the rural ones. This mirrors what happens in Canada.

What happens to people living in cities? What makes them more liberal and less likely to support family values?

Obama won on emotion (did you see him crying?). Emotion is not going to save America, and as they go, so do we!

Lefty Politics Gone Wild

Or should I say not working like they thought it would. Let's look at what the lefties are trying to do, as I see it in Alberta.

First up is the election of NDP Linda Duncan in an area that contains the U of A, and where she was, years ago, a professor.

In the 2006 election she was close with 32.5% of the vote, notice that the Liberals had 17.8% and the Greens had 6%:

Then in 2008, this happened, Liberals switched their votes by 8.7% giving Duncan the win:

 

Same thing in 2011, this time both the Liberals and the Greens ran students to make sure that Duncan won again.....but there was no collusion?? HA!

 This is the trend that is happening in our elections. Think I'm wrong? Let's look at the Calgary by-election. In 2006, the Liberals had 19.2% of the vote and the NDP had 13.3%.

In 2008, the Liberals and Greens lost a percentage of their votes, but the NDP increased their vote percentage:

 In 2011, the Conservatives and Greens increased their vote percentage, while the Liberals and NDP lost votes.

Now look at the by-election results:

The NDP vote which was consistently between 16 to 13% of the vote suddenly decreases to 4%? Funny how all those NDP votes disappeared to the Liberals. Was it pay back for all the Liberals voting for NDP Duncan in Edmonton? Did the NDP voters abandon their own party to try and get a Liberal elected, just like the Liberals abandoned their party to vote NDP for Duncan?

What about the Green's increase in voters? As an Alberta Conservative, when asked by all those polling companies who I would vote for as a second choice, I always tell them the Greens, and I suspect that a lot of Conservatives feel that way too, not because they like the Greens, but because there is no other party I would vote for except the Conservatives. Obviously, the lefties have no such loyalty to their own parties.

I remember in the last provincial election some young Liberal lads, who were so sure that their candidate was going to win, and then the Liberal vote collapsed. They were dumbfounded when they realized that the Liberals had voted for the PC candidate instead, and they wonder why the Liberals are losing voters? No loyalty, no "Canadian values", means no Liberal support. They are doing it to themselves. 

Crockatt did a great job of fighting off the coalition, but Conservatives need to be aware of what the lefties are doing and will continue to do, to get rid of as many Conservative MP's as they can. 

It's legal, but it's dishonest to their own candidates and supporters. Keep that up, and no quality candidates will be willing to put their names forward, like Carney.

Friday Night Funnies: Holy E-Mail

BC Bud Users:

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Short Little Johnny Story

Teacher asks the kids in  class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 
 
Little Johnny: "I wanna  be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the best bitch,  give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,  a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card  and to make love to her three times a day".  (This will not be allowed under the Obama administration, they will tax him at 98%)
 
The teacher, shocked, and  not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to  give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . .   "

And you,  Tanya?...........................................

" I wanna be Johnny's  bitch!" 

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HOLY  E-MAIL 
 
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
 

  Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!

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Americans following Obama:

   

 A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

 

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by

the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

 

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...

again.

 

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,

"Because I'm a Republican."

 

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered,

"Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

 

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron

and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

 

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama

fan."

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New Type of Alcohol Test

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A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start.  Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. 

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz.    Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.   An telum u luvum donot to wori  4 mo yrs to fok up agun.

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 THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER

AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE

IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR,

SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

THEN ONE THANKSGIVING DAY MORNING,

AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP,

SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS,

NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS,

AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE
TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND,

GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK

, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS

AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING

WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS

AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,

TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER,

HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS

WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID,

'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.'

'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?'

ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,

AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS.

I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

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Subject: FW: Biology Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  Wife is home and texts husband on a very cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely f*?#*d up now!!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------    I FORGOT MY GLASSES   Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.  She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going To start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to Me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for Five jumps a week.   Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier. --------------------------------------------------  Have a great weekend, get those Christmas decorations up! By the way, make sure you support Canadian Tire, as they are actually promoting Christmas not just Holidays!