Friday Night Funnies: Holy E-Mail

BC Bud Users:

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Short Little Johnny Story

Teacher asks the kids in  class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 
 
Little Johnny: "I wanna  be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the best bitch,  give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,  a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card  and to make love to her three times a day".  (This will not be allowed under the Obama administration, they will tax him at 98%)
 
The teacher, shocked, and  not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to  give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . .   "

And you,  Tanya?...........................................

" I wanna be Johnny's  bitch!" 

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HOLY  E-MAIL 
 
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
 

  Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!

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Americans following Obama:

   

 A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

 

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by

the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

 

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...

again.

 

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,

"Because I'm a Republican."

 

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered,

"Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

 

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron

and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

 

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama

fan."

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New Type of Alcohol Test

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A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things that we start.  Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. 

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz.    Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.   An telum u luvum donot to wori  4 mo yrs to fok up agun.

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 THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER

AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE

IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR,

SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.

THEN ONE THANKSGIVING DAY MORNING,

AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP,

SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS,

NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS,

AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE
TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND,

GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK

, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS

AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING

WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS

AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING,

TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER,

HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS

WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID,

'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.'

'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?'

ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT,

AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS.

I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!

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Subject: FW: Biology Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------  Wife is home and texts husband on a very cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely f*?#*d up now!!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------    I FORGOT MY GLASSES   Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.  She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going To start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to Me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for Five jumps a week.   Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier. --------------------------------------------------  Have a great weekend, get those Christmas decorations up! By the way, make sure you support Canadian Tire, as they are actually promoting Christmas not just Holidays!