Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Night Funnies: 10 Inch Bic!

After a beautiful hot day, it's time to get out of the heat, sit back with a cold drink and laugh.


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Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole
for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied,
and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic
lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat
monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my
Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,'
says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the
Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a
million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole,
'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is
hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch
Bic?"
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What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?


A Seat belt you pervert! Buckle up!
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Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
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Why men don't write advice columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.



When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
WALTER
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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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Have a great weekend. Get out and enjoy the summer weather.

10 comments:

Eskimo said...

Good ones Hunter!

How's the garden fairing in this heat?

West Coast Teddi said...

Yahoo to another FNF

thanks

liberal supporter said...

How's the garden fairing in this heat?
I'd be more worried about wind affecting a fairing than heat.

Eskimo said...

faring.

Thank you, hall monitor.

hunter said...

Hall Monitor, that's funny!

hunter said...

We had green beans, peas, carrots and baby potatoes with a romaine lettuce caesar salad (homemade dressing that is to die for), and bbq pork. Can you spell heaven???

West Coast Teddi said...

sounds so good - what time is dinner and do you prefer red or white with pork?

hunter said...

WCT, both!!! White for the veggies, and red for the pork.

Eskimo said...

Bin 555 goes well with just about anything! I'll be there for dinner as well as that dill you promised me!

maryT said...

Well, you have given me the perfect insert for a wedding card. Just heard that a 81 yr old widower and 78 yr old widow will be married August 30.
Actually you should see the gleam in their eyes and the diamond on her finger.
Wonder if they have to take marriage preparation course, as mentioned in our weekly bulletin.
My understanding is they will exchange vows during a regular Sunday Mass.
We are all very happy for them.