Saturday, July 18, 2009

Friday Night Funnies: Elvis

I know all you Friday Night Funnies addicts have missed this, so without further ado, let's get started.....

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonite in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.

It's Elvis beatin' the shit out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks
around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly has
to fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales
person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare
materializes in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her. Good
looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the
qualities one would
expect of a professional in a store like
Tiffany's, he politely
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How
may we help you today?'

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping
that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident',
she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just
looking at it -

you're going to shit when I tell you
the price."



I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...

Got a freaking' call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty
simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming

president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by
stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead
this country than one born by C-section?'

Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the
United States.
Thought for the Day

A husband is someone who, after he takes the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
Have a great weekend, and don't forget random acts of kindness, like a smile, go a long way.


Southern Quebec said...

"Mexican words of the day"

Mexico is a country, the language is Spanish.

Your redneck racism never disappoints.

Anonymous said...

Of course, SQ would post a typically inane comment. BTW - a guy who speaks Spanish goes into a hotel and the desk clerk asks him if he'd like fresh sheets on his bed every day and the guy replies: Meester, you poot waan sheet on my bed and I keel you.

Southern Quebec said...

Juvenile is the word I was looking for. (Or arrested development...) Thanks for the help EofE

West Coast Teddi said...

Oh Sheets Q it's a joke ... so lets change it to "dis blooger from da sud de PQ"

Thanks Hunter - was having a FNF withdrawal.

Anonymous said...

BTW - American Hispanics and Mexican-Americans call their language "Mexican". Just thought I'd toss that your way, Trou de Queue.

My grandparents may have spoken Arabic, but we always called it Lebanese. Hey, the French in France certainly don't call what Quebecers speak "French", that's for sure. I ran into a few of those France French people when I lived in Montreal and they had other words for the language spoken by Franco-Quebecers, that's for sure.

Southern Quebec said...

What sort of a person thinks it's funny to use a racial stereotype as humour?

Anonymous said...

Don't upset the frogs, East. That's racist!

Anonymous said...

SQ - you are just trying to make trouble. Your question is ridiculous. I have the feeling that you are as bigoted as anybody else so please do not pull this "racist" crap.

Hey, you want to make camel jokes - go right ahead. I laugh along with all of them.

Racism is something which my father experienced so don't try your holier than thou BS on me or any of us. My father's side of the family was dark olive-skinned and my mother's is very fair olive-skinned. We of Arab descent range from the whitest of white to the darkest of dark. As for myself, I'm so fair-skinned that I don't even tan. Yet, give me a good Lebanese joke and I'll laugh the hardest.

Why? Because I am a whole man, a secure man, and I am able to tell the difference between real racism and the fake indignation that you espouse.

Real racism has nothing to do with stereotypes and jokes and everything to do with real action and behaviour. Can you honestly say that you've never laughed at a good Jean-Guy Slapshot (and his wife, Jeanne-Guylaine) joke? Heck, I learned my Jean-Guy Slapshot jokes from unilingual, pure laine, separatist Franco-Quebecois.

Ever hear George Lopez' jokes? Ever listen to Eddie Murphy? Take your fake indignation and holier than thou crap and peddle it elsewhere - you aren't fooling anybody.

hunter said...

Hear Hear East of Eden! Lefties think only white redneck cowboys/girls from Alberta could support the Conservatives.

I'm going to have to call it the Politically Incorrect Friday Night Funnies.

SQ grow up, only a lefty would think they can come to a site and call the owner a redneck racist. You should stay off my site if you can't be polite. Holy cow, IT WAS A JOKE!

Anonymous said...

Well, Hunter, it's people like SQ who make a mockery of racism. More often than not, the people who cry 'racism' are white and either English or French speaking. It's as though they are trying to impress people by crying 'racism' over things that are not in the least racist. This type of person puts me in mind of the bleeding heart phony of hte 60s and 70s - you know, those who claimed things like 'some of my best friends are black' - that type of thing which, in my mind, mocks the whole concept of racism and the harm it does to people and their lives.

In the meantime, real prejudice goes underground and some people really suffer for it.

Here's an example of faux outrage and mockery: on a former MP's blog, one Conservative dared to say that the then LPC leader's English was challenging to understand - and this is true. He used French grammar structure when speaking English and his English was quite poor, considering how long he had been in Parliament.

The blog host came down on the Conservative commenter and stated that this type of racism would not be tolerated. Then, of course, some of the robots chimed in with their cries of racism. One totally unilingual west coaster even posted a comment about how she had just listened to Harper speaking in French and how terrible it was and how his French was really bad. Harper's French is actually pretty good.

I asked this commenter if she was Francophone and if French was her first language. Hah! She didn't speak a word but she sure chimed in about something of which she had absolutely no knowledge.

So, all this to say that people like SQ make a total mockery of the issue - just like the blog host and his robots.

I've known some minority people to be more prejudiced than you could imagine. I had neighbours from Haiti and you should have heard the mother and grandmother go on about Africans and Somalians. It was disgusting. The mother didn't even like white people. I remember when her elder son got himself a girlfriend - when she told me, her lip curled in disgust when she pronounced the GF to be "une blanche" - with total disgust. I asked her once what she'd do if one of her kids brought home a Somalian and she said she'd first kill the kid and then herself.

I had a classmate who fell madly in love with a Canadian-born Sikh girl (she was also in love with him). The parents gave her a choice - marry a boy they chose or be disowned.

As far as jokes are concerned - how many comedy shows, written by Jewish people, make fun of Jewish culture - in particular, Jewish mothers? How many comedy shows have lampooned Italians? Did the CBC not have a show called Little Mosque on the Prairie?

I remember my Haitian neighbour - the husband was NOT at all prejudiced like his wife and MiL. One day his elder son had some rap music going and I listened to some of the lyrics and turned to my neighbour and asked: "didn't Martin Luther King die so that that particular word would cease to be used"? He rolled his eyes and said that his children's generation had no idea of how offensive that particular word really was.

So, jokes being racist? I do not think so - they are jokes. Heck, I make jokes about being part of the upper middle-age bracket.

I remember one time talking with one of my friends at church and she was telling me about a dinner that had taken place the evening before. She said that things had sure changed: where they once talked about raising children or getting through the teen years, they talked about how to put more fiber in their know where I'm going with this one. I love 'seniors' jokes and don't see them as ageist. What would be ageist is being denied a shot at a job because of my age.

Same thing for racism - jokes are one thing but real action is quite another. If I am denied employment or housing, for example, because of the colour of my skin, then it's racism and must not be tolerated.

Anonymous said...

Part 2:

As for SQ - I think he has an issue with a woman being a blog host. That says quite a bit about him, if you ask me. I have not seen him attacking male blogs hosts but he sure likes to attack you. Perhaps our SQ has a problem with women speaking up.

Southern Quebec said...

So...if Mexican jokes are funny this week, does this mean that we can expect other minorities to be singled out in future "Friday 'Funnies'"?

How about, the Italian Antidefamation League would not approve. How aboutthe Jews...I hear Bernie Farber has a good sense of humour.

On second thought, just stick with the jokes on brown people.