Friday Night Funnies

I know you all remember my Friday Night Funnies, and know that they are NOT politically correct, so if you are offended.....to bad buttercup, don';t read my friday night funnies anymore, PROBLEM SOLVED. 

Can't Decide?

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Election Joke:

 Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Rideau Canal. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you are so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it.
'Well,' said the big croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small croc.
'Hmmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the car park at Parliament Hill.’
'Same here. How do you catch them?' asked the big croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat 'em!'
"Ah!" says the big croc, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment! See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a politician, there's nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase.

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We know this election the MEDIA made a big issue out of the lady who wanted to get her citizenship covered from head to toe....I wonder if she took her dog with her?

Okay that one is really really funny the more I look at the dog.......

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Kim Jung Un

  
 Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before

Daddy made him a four-star general. 

This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his

life that would even come close to military leadership. 

He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a

                                    sports team, or commanded a military platoon. 

So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea. 

Terrific!!! 

Oh crap!

I'm sorry. 
 
I just remembered that we did the same thing.   We took an arrogant phony community organizer, who had never

worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. 

A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more

than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him

"Beloved Leader" of the United States. TWICE!

 

I'm sorry I brought this up... Never mind.

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It is just amazing that so many of them are still with us!

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You all know I love dogs............

Whether you own a dog or not, you must  appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales pitch below...... 

 

 

 

   Dog For Sale ------Free to good home.  

 

Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as 

 

there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, rapists or  molesters 

 

left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  

 

   Most of them knew Jethro only by his  

 

Chinese Street name...... Ho Lee Schitt.

(Obviously photo-shopped, but funny.)

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 Squirrels and Religion...

 

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.

 

Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumoured that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and they haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from North Carolina .  He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina .  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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We have all heard about the Liberals bringing more refugees into Canada, they might be your Mom or Dad!!

Seniors Leaving Canada

News Flash from the offshore Nova Scotia ----

The Canadian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the east coast of Canada today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Canada towards the Middle East .

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Canadians who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.

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Halloween tomorrow, I will post pictures of our scary house!!

Birth Announcement

Rachel from Notleyham has delivered a NDP baby, called :"Deficit Spending": to the uninformed Alberta citizens. The same citizens who overthrew the bad Progressive conservatives for overspending, now have Rapunzel lowering her hair for all the provincial unions. This fairy tale will not end well.

The labour pains are sharp and directed at the guts of taxpayers. We voted Klein in so we could get rid of our debt. I remember it well, I was on the cusp of the 20% cuts, but I made it, and so did all the people who were cut.

This is going to hurt every single Albertan, taxpayer or not. How?? Carbon tax. A tax on the air we breathe. Imagine the shock our ancestors would get if they came back today and found out that carbon dioxide is bad. The stupidity of people who want to believe in climate change is surpassed by only the Islamic hordes who behead those who will not bow to their religion.

The first NDP budget in Alberta is a killer. Job killer, pension killer, and investment in the oil industry killer.

RIP Alberta.

Someone Has To Pay For All The ":Goodies:"

For decades Alberta was able to fend off the federal power grabs because they had a conservative government provincially. Even with a conservative provincial government in place, Trudeau The First, was able to decimate Alberta with the NEP.

Alberta is now prime pickings for both the NDP and Liberals. We have no protection from the lefty progressives.

You can try to blame whoever you want for the provincial and federal elections, but it comes down to who promised the most ":goodies:".

When the takers out number the workers, these are the results you can expect. When a spend until you drop budget approach wins against a balanced budget approach, you can expect these results for decades to come.

All you need to do is look at Ontario. The voters keep electing the Liberals because they are handing out the :"goodies:" faster than the recipients can spend them and they feel good about their inclusive progressive society. Debt??? Who cares? The politicians never seem to mention the BILLION dollars a month for interest payments in Ontario alone.  Imagine how a BILLION dollars could help a hospital in Ontario, or 12 hospitals a year.

I fear for Alberta.

Provincial Sales Tax or Carbon Tax, or both.

NotMe will promote a carbon tax to make us appear environmentally friendly because she can';t get away with imposing a sales tax. It is the same thing, just a different name. Add that to the national carbon tax we can all expect, and it';s a double header in taxation.

The media will make it seem like we are finally paying our dues for all the pollution we have been causing.....how many smog days has Edmonton had?......NONE you say?? Funny that.

Even the most extreme hurricane the western hemisphere has ever seen....so we were told....did minimal damage in Mexico this week.

Don';t blame Harper for the conservatives not getting reelected, blame the takers not the workers. You can see the same thing happening in the US. The takers out number the workers.

If that trend persists, eventually society fails. Someone has to pay for all the :"goodies":.

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Am I back? Maybe only when I feel like posting something. I was content with the Conservative government. I will have more to post about with two lefty governments grinding me down.

This Is About Murder, Not Abortion.

Some will see no wrong in what was done at this clinic, and I pray for those people. This is about murder, not abortion.

Kermit Gosnell is on trial for the murder of babies, born alive, and then murdered by severing the spine. It's as despicable a crime as any mass shooting, but don't except huge coverage of the trial, because it shows abortion for what it is, murder.

For a quick idea of what the trial is about, watch this short clip. WARNING, very graphic images and discussion.

 For more information, you can go to this site, 3801 Lancaster.

What bothers me most about this is that the people who support abortion always mention the abortion doctors that have been killed by pro-life people, but they refuse to place any blame on someone like this killer. They are scared that women might smarten up and realize what an abortion really is and what it does to them mentally and physically.

May God have mercy on their souls. I would say the same for Gosnell, but I think the man is soulless. 

Friday Night Funnies: St. Patrick's Day

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Best Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".
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 In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.."Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
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Darren    wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.  But she was dating someone else.

One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.  The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"

Darren  said, "I'll be real fast.  I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."  She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down.  Then give me a call."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

 

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
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Have a great weekend! Don't drink too much green beer, or you'll end up like these guys:

 

 

Friday Night Funnies: The New Pope!

CHINESE SICK LEAVE:

I NO COME WORK TODAY.

 

Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

 

The boss says, "You know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that."

 

Two hours later Wong Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon..... You got nice house."
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!" 
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Politics.....Nothing Changes!!! 

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

 

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is

 

Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with

some collateral.

 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"

and produces a tinyporcelain elephant, about an inch tall,

bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult

with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants

to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back  at her and says.

"It's a knickknack,

Patty Whack.

Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? 

Yeah, I know you are..)

Never take life too seriously! 

Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!

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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy .

 

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high   school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

 

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

 

In time, the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.  In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.  He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

 

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

 

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.  "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

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Have a great weekend....spring is coming!

 

The Right To Bear Arms!

Here are two quick videos that say it all about the importance of the 2nd Amendment, and why gun control is such a bad idea.

First a quick definition of the 2nd amendment, by Penn and Teller, one bad word at the end, but for once in is used perfectly to describe the true nature of gun control nuts. 

Then of course, who can forget one of the most famous supporters of the Constitution and especially the 2nd amendment but Charlton Heston: 

And what bugs me most about this whole push for gun control, is that law makers are telling women to run to a call box, use a pen, or blow a whistle in the event of rape. What gives them the right to dictate to women what they should use to protect themselves? I thought it was all about "my body, my choice", so what if "my choice" to defend "my body" is a gun? Shouldn't law makers be in support of that choice?

So God Made A Dog!

Okay, this isn't a takeoff of the God made a farmer ad, but it should be! Get the tissues ready.

How do dogs know, instinctively, that some people are special? I have seen it time and again, being involved with raising assistance dogs, how they just know someone is special and needs their help. It's uncanny, and why God made dogs.

Friday Night Funnies: Winter Bowling!

Given that eastern Canada and the US are getting blizzard like conditions, I thought these might give you a hint of what winter bowling is all about!

And this is good too!

Just so West Coast Teddi doesn't feel left out, here's one from Vancouver:

My All Time Favorite, listen to the sounds.....winter bowling!!!!:

We are enjoying wonderful weather, so I hope Toronto and the States stay safe, and enjoy that snow tomorrow if you can. Now back to bad winter drivers on You Tube. Have a great weekend!

Conceal Carry? Why Not?

I've thought about it, and if I could conceal carry a gun in Canada, I would. I have no guns in the house, but if it was an option, for me, as a female, I'd take it. I do have a canister of dog spray in my purse, but in a dangerous situation, it would take too long to; find it in my purse, get it out, point it in the right direction, and make sure the wind was in the right direction to make sure it didn't spray in my face. So, basically, it is useless.

My kid takes taekwondo and he has shown me some really useful moves to get out of a headlock, but even if I did, I would still be reduced to "shouting fire" and running for my life, so what good is that, unless I can subdue my attacker? I figure a gun would be a great equalizer for me against a much larger attacker. I'm hoping I would just have to show it to the guy and he would be the one running, but if necessary, I could take the shot.

So, gun control is nuts. All the laws already on the books are not upheld, so more laws won't work. 

Finally we got rid for the stupid, 2 billion dollar gun registry. It was a bad law imposed on us by the Liberal government of the day to appease the gun control fanatics. The US is trying the same thing now. Maybe the should look to Canada, the UK and Australia to see how gun control has failed.

Rex Murphy had a great opinion piece on this topic years ago:

Ted Nugent has some opinions on it too:
 

And Just Right has an interview with Ted and Piers for more entertainment.

What it all comes down to in the end, is my right to protect myself in the way I feel most comfortable. If I think a bow and arrow (which I am really good at) is better than a bat or a gun, I should be able to defend myself with that bow and arrow without fear that the government is going to prosecute me because I had the audacity to actually defend myself before the police could arrive. 

Canada is not gun "crazy" like the US, but that doesn't mean that individuals should not be able to defend themselves from attacks on the street or in their own homes or businesses.

This guy was lucky he didn't get charged. The RCMP/Police are idiots, they want no one but themselves to have guns. Tell that to the women who are getting raped at increasing rates around the world. Give us women guns, we will take care of ourselves, it's better than being tied up and raped repeatedly like these women. 

 Walton said at least five gunmen entered the rooms where the tourists were sleeping, beat and tied up six men and raped six Spanish women. A seventh woman, a Mexican national, was unharmed, he said. The nationalities of the male tourists were not disclosed.

Walton added that the women were raped despite what he described as “excellent security” beefed up in Acapulco for the holiday weekend. Federal police and the army patrol parts of the city. No arrests have been reported in the case.

Give me a gun, not a gun free zone...those are deadly.

God Made A Farmer!

Of all the superbowl ads, this one is the best:

Let the vegans and others try to get this one banned. Too late, it already aired!

Why do lefties only know how to ban stuff? Why can't they create anything?

Oops, silly me, they know how to create deficits (McGuinty and Redford), and they certainly know how to create dissension (Idle no More, Occupy) and they are experts at creating an atmosphere filled with hate against anyone who does not agree with them (Abortion).

I'm sick of the lefty whiners. They need to get out of the basement, get a job and join the real people in the real world. No more government grants for phoney research, no more living off of the productive like parasites.

If the greenies are so concerned about the environment, let them become farmers. HA! Thought not! It's a failure by them to create! (Well except for those bird choppers they love!)

Thank God for farmers....but don't except greenies to understand where their food comes from, that would be too difficult for them to comprehend. They are too busy growing illegal marijuana and protesting against the very people who provide them with food. 

Friday Night Funnies: Puppy Bowl!

 It's Friday 5:01, HA

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For all you puppy fans out there, don't bother watching the Super Bowl, watch the Puppy Bowl! Here is a preview:

Puppy Cam! Watch out, it's addictive!
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Speaking about the Super Bowl, here is the Coke ad that has the Arab community in an uproar. Would you give me a frigging break? At least Coke is leaving our polar bears alone this year.

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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend
is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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Gangnam Dancing, by twins. What the heck is up with Gangnam?

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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
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DRUNK DRIVERS USE THEIR CARS TO KILL 30,000 PEOPLE EVERY YEAR!
WE MUST WRITE OUR REPRESENTATIVES TO BAN DANGEROUS CARS TODAY!
THE LONGER WE WAIT, THE MORE LIVES WILL BE LOST TO DRUNK DRIVERS.
OMG!   WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

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School Bus in Japan:

School Bus in India:

........ And which country do I get when I have a technical problem
with my computer?
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Have a great weekend. It's February now, so spring is coming up real fast. Now, if I could only find that seed catalog, I know it's here somewhere. Found it. Must have for this year...."cool wave" pansies!