Friday Night Funnies: Give Me Back My Dog!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust...

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves..."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Liberal Member of Parliament", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Divorce or Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I
would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. '
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Baby hedgehog....be prepared to say awwwwwwwww


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Finally - - An answer I can understand!

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f----- boat"
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Every parent can relate to this. All non-parents think you are just a bad parent.

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The President was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,
'I'm the President of the United States,
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.'

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead..

Her reply was,

'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, & my panties as low as my wages,

Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas,

Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the retirees,

Then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent !'
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Your mindless game for this weekend, "Sponge Bob Fight".

Have a great long weekend. Right now, I have 5, 14 year old kids having a sleep over....can you hear my screams.