Friday Funnies: Talking Centipede

Another week of hard work is done. It's time to kick back and relax.


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Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to Hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." I hate that !

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
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HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
>
> It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the
> counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
>
> The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
>
> The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked
> "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
>
> The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
> than GM.
>
> The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
>
> The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
> learned their children's names.
>
> The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
> Mexico.
>
> The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
>
> The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
>
> The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
>
> The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
>
> And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
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Time wasting useless game tonight, back to the classics, Mario 2

Have a great weekend.

Friday Funnies: Saving the Antelope!

It's that time again, when you sit back, relax and hopefully have a few chuckles.

One in a million picture.


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HAT

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to
keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his
private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were
a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't
so ugly, it would lift itself."
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Saving the antelope:


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A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
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Golfing parrot:


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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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This is India . It is where

you call when you have a

technical problem with

your computer.
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Grandma found my vibrator!


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Mindless game for those of you who are stuck in your basements this weekend:

Bubble Master!

Have a great weekend! I will be planting over 400 plants, so I hope the weather holds up.

Friday Funnies: Golf??

Enzo our last seeing eye foster dog, goes to Disneyland with his blind person and meets Mickey!
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INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 andFlowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
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A wedding only a man could plan:


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BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine....
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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And They Say Canadians Don't Brag

CANADIAN.... Eh !

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House'. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany .
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but. prevailed in ALL the wars)
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.(That's more information than I need!)
19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {Incidently...so does our beer}

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
OOOoohhhhh.... Canada !!
Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.
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A plumber with a sense of humour!

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


I'm just passing this thought along ....

Have you ever wondered if the five dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day . :)

Friday Funnies: Taxes

After just doing my own taxes, I thought a few tax jokes might relieve some of the stress.

A Satisfied Taxpayer
=====================

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my
2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper,
dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid
$600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and
six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch
Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
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How bad is the economy?

Cats are so dramatic!!!

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Dear CRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes
Owed April 30, but all is not lost. I have paid these taxes:
Accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax,
Corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax,
Gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax,
Inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax,
City & school & county property tax, real estate tax,
Social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, province and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax,
provincial franchise tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal provincial and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, utility tax,
Vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax,....
And many more that I can't recall, but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 30, just know that it is an honest mistake.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Your Friend
The Canadian Tax Payer
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I saw a billboard that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
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Is any explanation needed for this one??


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Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can and remember !


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Just to let you know
No matter what situations life throws at you...
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember ~~ there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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One of my favorite grannies, The Fruit Lady!


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Mindless game of the week....Puppy Fetch!

Where did spring go? Try to get out into the fresh air this weekend!

Friday Funnies: Jumping Trolls!

Was Easter only last week? It already seems like forever ago! Oh well, it's Friday, time to relax, have a few chuckles and forget about lefties (they have no sense of humour, they are too busy trying to take over the world to laugh)!
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The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.......

Sh*t on the paper........

Screwed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation................and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT !
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A student project, that is outstanding!


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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND
HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY
ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
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This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The
Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

*Dear Mr.President,***

*Patriotic retirement:***

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million each severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry
fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
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May You Always Make The Right Moves....

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My own special Friday funny! This just happened tonight, and I'm still chuckling about it.

Phone rings, it's a charity calling. They want $1 a day to feed the school children who can not concentrate in school because their poor stomachs are growling so loud (this fact is repeated about 5 times in two minutes). They need food and it will only cost me $365 a year!

I say no thanks, I've already given to the charity of my choice.

They say, well ANYTHING you can donate would be appreciated.

So, I tell them I would be more than willing to help them grow their own food in a garden, and that I only needed some land and those poor starving kids to help me plant a vegetable garden.

The caller told me she would pass me to her supervisor. I can clearly hear her telling her supervisor that she had someone who wanted to actually GROW the food for the kids! They were pretty much thinking they had a nut case on the line, and laughing about it. The supervisor came on and asked me what question I had.

I told him I wanted to help those poor starving kids by planting them a garden. He referred me to a web site. End of call. They were just happy to get rid of the gardening nutcase, and my money is still in my pocket. Win-Win for both of us.
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Finally, your mindless game....jumping trolls! HA!!! This was too funny for me not to play, my little trolls kept getting eaten by the owls.

Have a great Friday night and/or Saturday morning! Remember, life is yours to enjoy, so go out tomorrow and smell spring! To all you basement dwellers, you need to actually go outside to smell spring!

Friday Funnies: Blonde Paint Job!

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Jesus and the Robber
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
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This is the reason my Friday funnies are short tonight. I spent most of the evening going from this:


To this:


Check out those speakers! Yup it's a 24' iMac. The learning curve is going to be interesting.

Have a great weekend. If my posts are garbled and disjointed for the next little while, it's because of the big switch from a PC to a Mac! So far, so good. These old eyes are loving the big screen with the over sized writing! I consider the fact that I was able to download some pictures and create this post a big step forward. Now if I can only get used to the fact that the min/max/close buttons are on the left side instead of the right, and that I do not have the right click on my mouse anymore, I might survive this new experience!

Friday Funnies: Italian Virgin!

Hug and Hold:

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Vacationing Near Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)
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Bear Hunting in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising around the campgrounds in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them."I've heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
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Red neck with a DUI conviction:

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WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE . .

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white US. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
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ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a
virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;" Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,Tony's got a big
hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
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Beware of the tan lines!


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For your silly time wasting game: Arctic Boot Camp!

A final peaceful photo. Look closely, and take a deep breath, it will do your heart good!



Have a great Friday evening/Saturday morning!

Friday Funnies: Spring Break Pink Bikini

The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...


Sum Ting Wong
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Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Alberta is planning to do it's own, titled "Survivor - Alberta Style"

The contestants will start in Cold Lake, travel south to Medicine Hat then west to Lethbridge, Fort McLeod and on up to Calgary. Then they will head north to Red Deer and Edmonton. From there they will proceed west to Hinton and north to Grande Prairie, then up along Highway #2 to Peace River, down and over to Slave Lake, Westlock and St. Albert. Then they will go to Ft. Saskatchewan, Vegreville, Vermillion and Bonnyville before eventually returning to Cold Lake.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Ontario license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, Beer is harmful to your health, Conservatives stink, Rae in 2009, Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one that makes it back to Cold Lake alive wins.

Good Luck to all contestants!
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How are your investments these days?


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Trivial Pursuit
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
(Answers are below)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13 . A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads
are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner
is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there
is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, for the answers.........................

They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!
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Pink Bikini at Spring Break! College kids having fun at the beach.


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Arkansas LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ''You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish"!
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What the heck did I step in???


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Your mindless Saturday game: Do you remember Sonic?

Spring is finally here, time to air out the stale winter air from your houses, and refresh your brains! Thanks to my readers who sent in some of the funnies!

Friday Funnies: It Depends

For the first time, the real Question Period makes it into the Friday funnies, because well, this had everyone, even the Speaker, laughing. Minister Baird is laughing so hard he can't answer the question, and watch Peter Stoffer, he had to cover his mouth to hide his laughter as the question was asked.



Believe it or not, my American friend had emailed me this skit about a no-frills airline.


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Sticking with the bathroom theme, here is a mural created by females for the mens bathroom.

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Girls learn early:

A man was seated next to a little girl on the airplane . He turned
to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said , 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,'
said the man. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first.'

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?'

The man, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replied,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
don't know shit?'
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Somehow I don't think this kid is going to ever get another cake from his Mom:


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THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'


(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
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Saving the best for last:

1st look and see the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you
might get wet (it's like it's 3D). Click on the picture when it loads
completely, and be sure that your sound is on.

World's Most Dangerous Creature!
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Have a great weekend!

Friday Funnies: Harley Versus God!

Silver on the Hair

Gold on the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead on the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

We never thought to have accumulated such a wealth!
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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Benny Hill, Wishing Well!

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Noah Today! Unfortunately all too realistic!
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The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.'Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God".
St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and said, "Oh, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle?

Arthur said,'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah,yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension!
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds!
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much!
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that My invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, a lot more men are riding My invention then yours.
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Odd Couple, so inspiring!

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Back by popular demand....Find The Canadian!!!

A favorite game in Florida
It's time to play "Find the Canadian!"
This week's challenge is especially difficult. View the attached candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you 'Find the Canadian!'
��
Do you have the skill?
Do you have the ability?
Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?
Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?
Taking notes is permissible but try to limit your time to no more than 5 minutes!
�
Good luck!

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The stupid mindless game: I'm not sure how this works, so it is freaky! She guessed my gift right off the bat, twice!

Regifting Robin!

Have a great day tomorrow! Global warming is just around the corner....it's called SPRING!!

Friday Night Funnies: Confessionals!

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Financial Terminology:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
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Your next vacation:


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Automatic Confession:


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Keeping with the confessional theme:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

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THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
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Some newspaper quips:




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No silly game tonight, but I bet all married people are going to try this one:


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Have a great evening, what's left of it! Get out and enjoy winter tomorrow, spring is on the way!

Friday Funnies: Which One Is The Blonde!

No humans or bears were harmed in the making of this picture.


Maybe the guy taking pictures could have put down the camera and helped his buddy.
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Stimulus package explained

Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China . Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
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Eight seconds of pure joy!

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This is worrying

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
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Find the nude dude and click on him...kid friendly.
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Speaking of nudes.....Which one is the blonde? Answer later, no peeking!


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This is amazing!

2009 Inauguration Photo - SUPER HI-DEF
This is absolutely the BEST in 'high definition'..... Really amazing.
Zoom in ('double-click' an area) ....and watch it focus.
Then zoom some more... and wait for focus.
What a surveillance tool this is !
This picture was taken with a robotic camera and weighs in at 1,474 megapixel. (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera) It was a Canon that pulled together over 200 individual shots.

Each zoom in takes a second to focus ...and then you can see some amazing reactions.

And terrorists wonder how they can target individual houses? DUH! This was a camera, imagine what the military has for surveillance.
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With Valentine's Day tomorrow, here is a Kiss Me in 3D Gift. The BONUS is the funny part!
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Finally, your mindless game:
The object of the game is to move the red block around
Without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been
Said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are
Expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!

Air Force Test<-------- Click here
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Have a great Saturday, some of us lucky ones get Monday off. Yahoo!!

Oh, I just about forgot about that blonde.....


Amazing I didn't see it before....

The Blonde is the one with her right leg up.

That's OK I didn't pass the test EITHER!!!!!

Friday Funnies: Pillows

The first funny, is from my husband, who is now black and blue. Just kidding, he's unhurt, for now! HA!


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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'
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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD
Well, Crap - Now I forgot what it was . . . .
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Why airplanes have pillows!!


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Let's not forget our animal friends!

Vicious Guard dog for rent:


Actually, this is our guide dog in training, Enzo. He is not actually on our couch, that is an optical illusion, he is really on the floor that just looks like a couch. He is a beautiful boy,



and he will be leaving us soon to venture out into the world with his blind person, Ray. They will be a great team, both love walking fast and coffee at Tim Horton's.
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Remember, spring is just around the corner, just don't ask me which corner. Have a great evening/morning.