Friday Funnies: Italian Virgin!

Hug and Hold:

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Vacationing Near Transylvania

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)
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Bear Hunting in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising around the campgrounds in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them."I've heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
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Red neck with a DUI conviction:

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WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE . .

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white US. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
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ITALIAN VIRGIN

Maria had just married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a
virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;" Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,Tony's got a big
hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
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Beware of the tan lines!


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For your silly time wasting game: Arctic Boot Camp!

A final peaceful photo. Look closely, and take a deep breath, it will do your heart good!



Have a great Friday evening/Saturday morning!