Friday Funnies: Talking Centipede

Another week of hard work is done. It's time to kick back and relax.


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Love Story

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to Hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." I hate that !

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?
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THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
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HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer

from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
>
> It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the
> counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
>
> The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
>
> The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked
> "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
>
> The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
> than GM.
>
> The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
>
> The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
> learned their children's names.
>
> The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
> Mexico.
>
> The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
>
> The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
>
> The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
>
> The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
>
> And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
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Time wasting useless game tonight, back to the classics, Mario 2

Have a great weekend.