Interesting week, the opposition support the terrorists, and disrespects our troops again. You would think they would have learned from the last time they tried it. Guess they aren't too smart. Oh well, it's Friday time for some fun.
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ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER
Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (22 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file.
It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years.
It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license.
It's on the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years.
And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f______address.
What is going on?
You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f______copy of my birth certificate - to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day?
Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the f_______ government.
You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off.
Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile.
Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me?
Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776.
I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!
And you assholes want to run our health care system?????
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Old Sea Story ...
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected
His sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if
The sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.
He continued, Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change
With Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",
But don't count on things smelling any better.
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You have to love marriage, and the pressure the groom and bride are under.
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Subject: Fw: BANKING IN TORONTO, NEWFIE STYLE
A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer..
He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business
for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a
depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would
need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a
new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Ah, Newfies..... See! Salt Cod is good for the brain.
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The kids filed into class Monday morning..
They were very excited.. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something,
Then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," saidLittle Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say,
"It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
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Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that
he was not speeding.... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
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Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Thank you (It's a JOKE you lefty dimbrains)
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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"
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Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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Stupid time wasting game of the week. Turkey has Guts.
Enjoy the weekend all.
1 comment:
Another great week and another great read for FNF.
thanks as usual
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