Friday Night Funnies: CHICKS

Does it seem to anyone else that we had two Mondays this week? Having Wednesday off messed up my whole schedule. Let's begin....
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
Slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
Chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
And said, "You've got to do something about all
Of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
Go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
And said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
And called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
Doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about
Anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the
Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call..
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
Himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
Look at that sign... It might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
And his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!
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Speaking of chicks....



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Texas Cowboy

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up
on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
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Do you need eye glasses?

Look slowly and carefully at the picture below:



Did you see the a$$ of the girl in the back?

If you did, then you need to have your EYES CHECKED you TWISTED old Fart!
That's the shoulder of the girl in front of her.
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Something else to worry about ...

I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.

• 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.


• 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.


• This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.


Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?
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Puppy Whistler:


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How Blonde Was She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde ..
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde.....
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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Dating in 1961:

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THE RULES OF RURAL ALBERTA:

LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!!!!
1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN'T CROOKED.

3. LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT'S CALLED A 'DIRT ROAD.' NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET DUST ON YOUR LEXUS. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.

4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY'RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT'S WHY THEY SMELL FUNNY TO YOU, GET OVER IT.

5. SO YOU HAVE A $60,000 CAR. WE'RE IMPRESSED. WE HAVE $150,000 HAY BALERS THAT ARE DRIVEN ONLY 3 WEEKS A YEAR.

6. SO EVERY PERSON IN RURAL CANADA WAVES. WE THINK OF IT AS BEING FRIENDLY. TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT.

7. IF THAT CELL PHONE RINGS WHILE AN 8-POINT BUCK AND 3 DOES ARE COMING IN, WE WILL SHOOT IT OUT OF YOUR HAND. YOU BETTER HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE IT UP TO YOUR EAR AT THE TIME.

8. YEAH, WE EAT TATERS & GRAVY, BEANS & MEAT. WE FRY OUR FISH AFTER 'CATCH IN' 'EM'. YOU REALLY WANT SUSHI & CAVIAR? IT'S AVAILABLE AT THE CORNER BAIT SHOP.

9. THE 'OPENER' REFERS TO THE FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON. IT'S A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY JUST AFTER REMEMBRANCE DAY.

10. WE OPEN DOORS FOR WOMEN. THAT IS APPLIED TO ALL WOMEN, REGARDLESS OF AGE.

11. NO, THERE'S NO 'VEGETARIAN SPECIAL' ON THE MENU. ORDER STEAK. OR YOU CAN ORDER THE CHEF'S SALAD AND PICK OFF THE 2 POUNDS OF HAM & TURKEY.

12. WHEN WE FILL OUT A TABLE, THERE ARE THREE MAIN DISHES: MEATS (INCLUDES FISH), VEGETABLES, AND BREADS. WE USE FOUR SPICES: SALT, PEPPER, HOT SAUCE AND KETCHUP. OH, YEAH...WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FOLKS IN TORONTO CALL THAT STUFF YOU EAT...IT AIN'T REAL FOOD!!!!

13. YOU BRING 'COKE' INTO MY HOUSE, IT BETTER BE BROWN, WET AND SERVED OVER ICE.

14. YOU BRING 'MARY JANE' INTO MY HOUSE, SHE BETTER BE CUTE, KNOW HOW TO SHOOT, AND HAVE LONG HAIR.

15. COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL HOCKEY IS AS IMPORTANT HERE AS THE LEAFS AND THE HABS, AND A DANG SITE MORE FUN TO WATCH.

16. YEAH, WE HAVE GOLF COURSES. BUT DON'T HIT THE WATER HAZARDS---IT SPOOKS THE FISH.

17. COLLEGES? WE HAVE THEM ALL OVER. WE HAVE UNIVERSITIES, COMMUNITY COLLEGES, AND VO-TECHS. THEY COME OUTTA THERE WITH AN EDUCATION PLUS A LOVE FOR GOD AND COUNTRY, AND THEY STILL WAVE AT EVERYBODY WHEN THEY COME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

18. WE HAVE A WHOLE TON OF FOLKS IN THE ARMY, NAVY, AND AIR FORCE. SO DON'T MESS WITH US. IF YOU DO, YOU WILL GET WHIPPED BY THE BEST.

19. TURN DOWN THAT BLASTED CAR STEREO! THAT THUMPITY-THUMP CRAP AIN'T MUSIC, ANYWAY. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE THAN WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BOXERS. REFER BACK TO #1.

20. 4 INCHES ISN'T A BLIZZARD-IT'S A FLURRY. DRIVE LIKE YOU GOT SOME SENSE IN IT, AND DON'T TAKE ALL OUR BREAD, MILK, AND TOILET PAPER FROM THE GROCERY STORES. THIS AIN'T THE YUKON, WORST CASE YOU MAY HAVE TO LIVE A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT CROISSANTS. THE PICKUPS WITH SNOW BLADES WILL HAVE YOU OUT THE NEXT DAY.
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It's very quiet in our house right now, I haven't been without a dog since I was in grade 2.



The Perfect Woman and The Perfect Man!

And for your stupid time wasting game, try Simpsons Naked Skate.

Have a great weekend.