Friday Night Funnies: Conservatives VS Liberals

I have had so many jokes submitted that I can't post them all, but I thank all my readers for their contributions. You know who you are! So, let's get started...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe... We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



'You got Male!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ANY ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE BATHROOM SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

<
--------------------------------------------------------
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with
one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go
wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of
your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of
their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that...with one little wave of your
hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.
'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.'

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob,
But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've
Been using Crisco.'

Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. '
Damm it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!

MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe & men don't listen!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of showering in a locker room, here is the next leader of the Liberal party:


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stupid game of the week: Tictactoe HA! You can not win this one!

After that, you should realize that Halloween is coming to you soon. Busy sewing my witches costume. Last year's Halloween:



Notice no snow, but battery operated ghouls still froze up after dark.