Friday Night Funnies: In The Closet.

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in gas, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' 

 The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' 
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A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.  The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'  The man says, 'Yes, it is.'  Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'  Man - 'That's nice.'  Boy - 'Want to buy it?'  Man - 'No, thanks.'  Boy - 'My dad's outside.'  Man - 'OK, how much?'  Boy - '$250'  A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..  Boy - 'Dark in here.'  Man - 'Yes, it is.'  Boy - 'I have sand wedge.     'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'  Boy - '$750'  Man - 'Sold.'  A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'  The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'  Boy - '$1,000.'  The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you  confess.'  They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.  The boy says, 'Dark in here.'  The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now.'

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Can you believe it …. they sent my Census form back!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.  Who did I miss ?
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I love flash mobs.....This one is at the Denver Airport.

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 A man went to Church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit ?'

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New Treatment For Sunburn - Bet you never thought of this.  

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his  upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

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Brain Study.... It takes a few seconds ... We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.    ----------------------------------------------------------- Still freezing here, stay warm and enjoy your weekend.