Climbing Out Of The Dark: Friday Funnies: And Then The Fight Started!

Financial Planning:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in

the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his

sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his

fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful

woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look

like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my

father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days

later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f%$^ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....
And then the fight started.

******
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
"Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.

*****
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.

******
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid-ass husband went out fishing in it?'
And that's how the fight started.

******
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.

******
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, just which dwarf are you?'
And then the fight started.

******
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak,
medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.

******
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.!!'
And then the fight started.
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How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
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For my lady readers only.........
The Naked Fireman Calendar 2009!

You just had to look, didn't you???!!! HA!
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For my male readers: Pole Dancing!!!