Friday Funnies: No Tern Unstoned!

So if I remember correctly, the first budget the Conservatives introduced was as big a disappointment as this one. Seems nothing changes with Conservatives, until an election, then we look at the options and the Conservatives are the only answer. It's time to lighten up.

Speaking of terns and er, unthreshed barley straw which of course
you weren't but:

My brother, the farmer of the family, heard that barley straw put in
small sloughs stopped the formation of blue-green algae so he raked up
a quantity of said unthreshed barley straw and dumped it in a slough
on his farm.

That was in in the heat of the summer. A couple of days later he
checked to see if it was working as he had been told.

Instead he found hundred of terns make a horrendous sound of slurred
piping, flapping about uncontrollably and seemingly unable to fly. It
seems the unthreshed barley in the straw had fermented and he had left
no tern unstoned for miles around.
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'
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This is priceless, the laughter of a baby!


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VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
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No bathing suits allowed in the lobby!


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SCHOOL -- 1958 vs. 2008

Scenario :
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselor called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it

Scenario :
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested
for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a
disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them
in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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We can't forget our favorite companions, animals!


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Mindless game...golfers wishing for spring might like this one.

Goodnight, don't be too serious, it stresses out your pet.