Sunday, June 12, 2011

Friday Night Funnies: Oops, Maybe Sunday Morning Funnies!


I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mum.

A good ole Mississippi boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What the hell you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What the hell are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Mississippi a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass."
NO SEX Since 1955

  A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
  There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

  "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

  "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

  The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

  "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

  The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

  The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

  "1955, ma'am."

  "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

  The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

  (Gotta love military time) 

  You  are driving in a car at a constant  speed.
  On  your left side is a 'drop off' (the ground is 18-24  inches below the level you are traveling on) and on your right side is a fire engine
  traveling at the same  speed as you  ...

  In  front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same  size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
  Behind  you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are  also traveling at the same speed as you.

  What  must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous  situation ?
   * Get  off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *
A Good Woman Driver!

Hope you all had a great weekend. I am finally getting all the planting done. Now it's sit back and watch the weeds grow time!

1 comment:

West Coast Teddi said...

Thank goodness, you're back. thought the garden had taken over and you were knee deep in "let-us"!!

Thanks for the SMF (sunday morning funnies - any day will do!!)