A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to
Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got
a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further... I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip
to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not
only were we on time in one of Continental's brand
new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a
$5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on
the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as
to step into his private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the heck did your hair?"
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Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Bertha died.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."
"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."
"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.
"Bertha! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.
"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here,too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
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MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
A FOURSOME OF GUYS IS WAITING AT THE MEN'S TEE WHILE A FOURSOME OF WOMEN IS HITTING FROM THE LADIES' TEE. THE LADIES ARE TAKING THEIR TIME.
WHEN THE FINAL LADY IS READY TO HIT HER BALL, SHE HACKS IT 10 FEET. THEN SHE GOES OVER AND WHIFFS IT COMPLETELY. THEN SHE HACKS IT ANOTHER TEN FEET AND FINALLY HACKS IT ANOTHER FIVE FEET.
SHE LOOKS UP AT THE PATIENTLY WAITING MEN AND SAYS APOLOGETICALLY, "I GUESS ALL THOSE " F*****G LESSONS" I TOOK OVER THE WINTER DIDN'T HELP."
ONE OF THE MEN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS, "WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN GOLF LESSONS INSTEAD!"
NEVER EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO DUCK. HE WAS 43
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DO YOU KNOW
THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB.
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND
FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY
DAY. THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG
FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT
A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT
IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED. HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR.
ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I
WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE."
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, WHAT AN IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW
WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE
FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE
OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY
TOOK A SHIT BEHIND IT!"
HE GOT THE JOB.
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It's that season again:
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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona
sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a
Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him
one..
The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me
a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't
you drinking a Molson's?'
The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'
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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?'
'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.
'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'
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A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for
some pepper.
'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.
'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Quebecer.
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Deep in the back woods, of Phyllis, in Pike County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night.
The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
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Sometimes you just feel like howling at the moon....
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Problem with that howling at the moon thingy is that we haven't seen the moon or the sun in days and the weekend appears to be more of the same. I have been going to the Edmonton Humane Society everyday this week, and I think we have found our new family member, but my hubby and kids need to go there to see him, so more on that tomorrow. Crossing fingers that it works out.
Enjoy your weekend, run outside to grab any ray of sunshine you might see, because so far this spring, rain seems to be the menu of the day.
3 comments:
think of the water you are saving in the garden!!
Thanks for the FNF
But I have 4 huge rain barrels that are overflowing! This is supposed to go on until Wednesday, by then the garden will have drowned!
They have lessons for that? Where do I sign up? We needed the rain Hunter though I have to say this is going a little overboard. By the by I`ve got my site back up (sort of) and am posting again.
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