Dear family and friends:
There were probably many, many times in the year of 2008 when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves. So today I just wanted to tell you..... Tough Shit!
There are no changes scheduled for 2009!
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There is always a way out!
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A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her Class.
She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because
the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses.......................... ...... ..........until they
stop running.
2. Strike while the..................................................bug is
close.
3. It's always darkest before................................Daylight Saving
Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... ............. How?
6 Don't bite the hand that ....................................looks dirty.
7. No news is...................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..................................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new........................Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......................stink in the
morning.
11. Love all, trust ................................................ Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ..............................pigs.
13. An idle mind is...................... ....... ....................the best
way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...........................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who....... ................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .............................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......................... The Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......................You put on to go to
bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................You have
to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as . ..................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .................... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed . .................Get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ..........See in the picture on the
box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ..............Get out of the way.
A nd the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than..............................................Pregnant
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Blonde installs a cat door!
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Scenario :
Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot
with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselor called in for
traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it
Scenario :
Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested
for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a
disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them
in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from
home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is
found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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How NOT to play dead....
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And finally a mindless shooting game, because as everyone knows, us Conservatives like guns and well, just shooting things.....
http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/
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Keep warm my eastern friends! Get that wood burning fireplace fired up. Who needs electricity anyways, it's over rated! HA!
11 comments:
1958 - Husband beats the $hit out of his wife - police called. Police say "It's not our problem -- it's a domestic affair."
2008 - Husband beats the $hit out of his wife - police called. Policewoman says, "You're going to jail for assault a$$hole." Husband goes to jail, becomes 'best friend' of local gangbanger, and the wife lives happily ever after.
SQ, don't forget, wife usually refuses to lay charges.
At least in Alberta the police lay charges instead, wife has no say.
1958 - SQ trying to survive in wilderness
2008 - same old same old
Thanks Hunter
MaryT: Good on the police!
To change the subject in the comments more kids sayings
Kids Write About The Sea
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with
crabs.(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans . (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful. I like their shiny tails. And
how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug them selves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom wentwater skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Julie age 7)
I think the same thing holds true in Ontario - the police do the charging. It can backfire sometimes, though. One of my former colleagues was out jogging early one morning and she tripped on a tree root and went face-first into the tree belonging to said root. She called her husband on her cellular and he took her to the ER. The police were called and she had to swear up and down and every which way from Sunday that her husband did not deck her. She even had to take the police to the tree whose bark she had embedded in her face. I prefer that we err on the side of caution but in some cases it sure can backfire. This lady and her husband were able to chuckle about it months later, fortunately.
The irony is that this lady's mother had been abused and the lady (my colleague) vowed that no man would ever strike her. She, unlike her mother, was quite prepared to fight any man to the finish. Fortunately, she married a gentle and wonderful man who didn't have a firey temper like his wife.
My grandfather was somewhat abusive with my grandmother and his children and my mom made the same vow. Fortunately, my father worshiped the ground on which she walked. They had a perfect marriage.
It is such a shame when abused spouses will not press charges. I worked with a woman who left an abusive husband after years of going back to him and, once she left for good, took up with a man who...you got it...abused her. My head almost exploded when she got into that relationship and figured that: I'm sure he doesn't mean it. Augh!!! It makes a person feel so helpless when this happens.
I read something which broke my heart - that little Caylee Anthony, the toddler who went missing last year - her remains were found. She was the cutest little thing who had the great misfortune to have been born to a totally evil creature. The evil creature has been charged by police and, I don't care what anybody thinks, I hope the judge throws the book at her. I don't care if it doesn't deter others from harming or killing a child; I just want to see that creature feel as badly as that innocent little girl felt.
PissedOff: I got a real chuckle out of your excerpts. I used to love listening to Art Linkletter's program. Those kids were hilarious.
Hunter - your then and now scenarios made me think of a news story some years back. In some kindegarten in the states, a little boy around 4 or 5 kissed one of the little girls in his class. The teacher suspended him for...are you ready for this...sexual harassment. Apparently, the school had a zero tolerance for sexual harassment. In Toronto, a child was suspended from grade one for hugging a little girl. His mom said that he was totally confused afterward - he didn't know if he could hug his grandparents or not. Some teachers and principals are just downright a**holes. Imagine - a little child gives a hug and he's suspended for sexual harassment. It makes me wonder if those teachers aren't secret child-molesters: I mean, really, if they can ascribe sexual connotations to a hug or kiss between two little tots, there must be something twisted between their...uh...ears.
Meanwhile, the real harassment and molestation goes undetected because the politically correct police are chasing down tots.
Hunter- I tried to send you some info but your mailbox is full. I'll try again. These funnies are hilarious. Best yet.
Okay SOR, I made some room in my email, but I only have around 1.2mb of storage. It's a free account, and I'm too cheap (Conservative) to pay for more storage. Any funnies are appreciated.
I tested the funnies on my boys, and of course they like the Youtube fly out of butt one the best. That stupid game is addicting as well.
EoE, political correctness is getting out of hand, so that even kids can't just be kids anymore, it's sad.
Hunter - you are, sadly, all too correct. When I was a little guy, we just went out and played. We didn't have much in the way of toys but we sure let our imaginations run wild. We played physically and none of us was obese. We even, gasp, played with toy guns and we played cowboys and Indians or soldiers. We fell, got cuts and bruises all over (badges of honour), argued, called each other names and all sorts of things. We didn't need counsellors, we didn't need sensitivity training, and we certainly didn't scream "abuse" when we got swatted on the bum.
Our generation began a downward slide and now it's all gone too far. We have judges letting child molesters go free but if a parent should give his kid a swat on the rear, he's charged with child abuse. We dominate our children's time with arranged play dates, organized sports (we just hit the ice and shot a ball around) with coaches and trainers, we drive our kids to and from their various activities (we walked in the dead of winter)...the list goes on and on.
A junior high boy has a crush on some girl and tries to give her a kiss behind the lockers and, if caught, is suspended for sexual harrassment. Some stores now sell padded bras for little girls, as well as bikinis. I see 11 year old girls walking in the malls with stuffed training bras, makeup out to there, dyed hair, skin tight jeans and basically looking like little Lolitas but that's okay because they're "expressing their individuality" by looking like little tarts. I see boys with their pants half-way down their butt with their underwear showing - but that's okay because they're "expressing themselves" by looking like little slobs.
One of my friends is married to a junior high teacher. One of her colleagues, a woman, was swarmed in the school yard by a group of boys and girls. The principal called the parents and the response from the parents was along the lines of: oh well, they didn't mean to harm her, they were just expressing their teenage energy. Balderdash. They were being little thugs and should have been suspended.
Recently, a high school in my area suspended a basketball team because the players were caught cheating on their exams and term papers. The parents got up in arms but the principal stood firm and that was that.
And we wonder why we have so many troubled young people? We call this progress? If this is progress, please take me back to the bad old days.
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