Saturday, October 16, 2010

Friday Night Funnies: Zonkey!


(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Only total "thicko's" will fail !!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers at the end of this post...
And, speaking of exams......

THE FINAL EXAM. . .teachers are going to love this one!!

At the U of A, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the university until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. . . The guys were excited and relieved. . . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . . then they turned the page. On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points:        Which tire? _________
 Subject: The Golfer and the Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if
I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do
you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the
rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right
in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see
she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's
naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach
him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand
Sleeping's always the kids that pay!
His name is Zonkey!

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
 Speaking of shitty things.....

The Cherokee County Sheriff Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Spring River near the Empire Electric Plant. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in nearby Riverton , KS .

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink
G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.

Proof that the police do care.
 Subject: Acetaminophen

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and! it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.  
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.    

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.  
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.  
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.    
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.  
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.    
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 For your silly time wasting enjoyment, how long are you going to live? I'm going to live to ripe old age of 91.5.....not sure if I will know who I am by then, but oh well, you only live once!

Calculate your life expectancy! 

Enjoy your weekend. Taking my oldest to the NAIT open house, maybe he will find something to interest him there! Oh, right those answers to the easy quiz (remember you only need 3 right).......


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?   116 years

2) What country makes Panama hats?  Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?  Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?  November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?  Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?  Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ?  Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ?  Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?  New Zealand

10) What is the color of the 'black box' in a commercial airplane ?  Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed? !!
Me, too ... !!!
( And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIE !!! )

Pass this on to some "brilliant" friends.

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