Friday Night Funnies: Medical Exams

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Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. ' Big
breaths,'. I instructed. ' Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ' massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . . I asked.

'The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! 'I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. ' How long have you been bedridden ?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ..' So how's your breakfast this
morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. ...' No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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Be careful what you wish for!!!


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Did Philip Fart?


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This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said,
"You and your #@!%&~ bran muffins.
I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Always keep several get well cards on the mantle....

So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean!
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That's it. Have a good weekend. Rain, snow or shine, my flowers are getting planted!